Let Me Open Your Eyes

Chapter 10 - That Dark Place

{"I just want everything to stop hurting"}

***Trigger Warning***

There were bad days sometimes. They liked to sneak up between the good days, taking me by surprise just when everything felt like it was going to get better. The bad days took me back there, to my dark place.

In that place, everything moved slower than usual. Words came past me in slow motion, like echoes that my mind couldn't keep up with. I would try to concentrate on something, but it would start to float away from me until it felt like it had never happened. During that time it was hard for others to speak to me. My Nana had noticed my change before in other visits and learned not to ask questions about it. I smiled, tried my best to keep up and tell her fun stories from when everything was okay. But then I would feel the tears dripping down my cheeks and not understand why I was crying. Her face would be calm and calculating, but underneath all of that was the fear. The fear that I could see on her face when I was in the dark place, that convinced me that maybe she was just as scared of it. We were both afraid of what it would do to me.

As I sat in front of her, staring at the floor she simply watched me. I started to feel like I was in one of those stupid therapy sessions with Cold Colleen and grimaced. My chin wobbled, my mind running through the past couple of weeks to try and find something for us to talk about. I look up at her and start talking about the sky outside so that she won't watch me that way.

"It's very, really...blue, isn't it?" I stumbled over my words, watching the clouds drift past as if the world was in slow motion. That isn't to do with the dark place, that is normal, I tried to convince myself. "It's soft but bright. Like..like..his eyes..."

"Whose eyes?" Nana cut in.

"Huh?" I looked back at her, my attention drawn towards the slight amusement underneath the confusion in her eyes. She seemed confused but it also seemed like she knew exactly what I was talking about, more so than myself.

"You said the sky was blue like 'his eyes'..." she commented as she sipped her tea. "Are you talking about the boy at the funeral? Have you been speaking to him?"

"Not out of choice" I muttered but she gave me another look. "He keeps coming round, when I'm alone..talking to me. Asking me all these questions.."

"Do you answer?"

My head snapped up. "What do you mean?"

She smiled softly and put down her tea, leaning closer to me. "Paisley, dear..I have seen you every week pretty much for the past four years. We have talked about everything except everything that I really want to know, that is really important. Then this boy shows up and by the look on your face, you have opened up to him about something. And that makes me really happy."

"But-But...why do I find it so easy?" I asked quietly.

"It could be the fact that he doesn't know your past. He doesn't know who you are and so you don't have to worry about him treating you differently. Things won't change like it may do with your parents or me when we learn the truth. It must make telling him feel so much less scary" she explained and took hold of my hand. "I am not upset that you haven't spoken to me about it because I know how hard it must be for you. Maybe even to admit everything to yourself, let alone me. But as long as you aren't keeping it all bottled up, I will be happy, sweetheart."

"He confuses me, Nana" I finally admit. "I don't understand why he is doing all of this for me, why he puts up with everything I throw back at him."

"Maybe you'll never fully understand it. But don't use that as an excuse to push him away. All of this could be good for you, Paisley- he could be good for you. If you let him."