Not That Bad #Wattys2018

Chapter Twenty One

As the finals week go by, I get less and less nervous. I'm the last person to finish my exam paper every time but I refuse to let that shake me. At least I finish. I don't think there's a better feeling than the end of something . It's like a whole new kind of high. But I guess the real relief will come when I get my results next week. There's dread in the pit of my stomach. If I fail I think I will fall apart.

There's plenty of things to distract me though. The girls in my year with nothing better to do have planned a list of activities. Prom is at the top of their list but there's loads of parties and Senior Ditch Day. Senior Ditch Day is just a day when all the seniors skip school and go to the beach or someplace. I went with Jaq last year but I don't want to talk about it.

I've already decided I don't want to go to prom. I'm not going to be up for getting dressed all fancy and slow dance the night away. Chase is going with Skylar (obviously), he's already got his tux and everything, so I guess it's going to be just me and Eli, and honestly, I'm not complaining. But I do want to go to the Senior Ditch Day party. I mean, who doesn't like to skip school to do something fun?

Eli and I are sharing a Stouffer's Lasagna and watching an horror movie. Eli's all into it, he doesn't even realize he's gripping my thigh harder than he should be. The thing about watching scary movies during the day is that it's not even scary. But then, somehow in the night, all the scenes replay in your head and you can't sleep. Other than that, it's an old movie from 1983 and the graphics suck.

The ketchup and Kool-aid blood I made last Halloween looked much more realistic.

I peel Eli's fingers off my thigh and rub the red spots until they disappear. Then I go upstairs to my room. I feel like throwing things. Sometimes I like to throw things. It has this way of clearing my head and renewing my thoughts, healing internal wounds and what not.

The first thing I go for is the Jaq's gray shirt I had chucked under my bed. I don't let myself hold it for too long or smell it or do anything clingy. All I want to do is destroy it. At least I hope it'll get rid of all the nostalgia creeping up my throat like bile. I get a shredder from my mom's office and shred's Jaq's shirt until it's nothing but thin strips of cloth. Next I get the rest of the weed Kai gave me and all the boxes of cigarettes I have stashed in my drawer, cheap souvenirs from my relationship with Jaq. I feel like I should have done this months ago. But this time I'm finally ready to let go. I throw it all into a bag and go downstairs. I go outside through the front door, but Eli doesn't even notice. His eyes are fixed on the TV screen.

I take a lighter from my pocket, head to the backyard and light a fire. Then I let everything burn. I'm letting all of that stuff go.

At first I think it's the smoke that rising up at the evening sky, that's making me tear up. I close my eyes but I feel the tears running down my cheeks anyway. I bury my face in my hands. OK. I'm a big softie on the inside. People see me with this hard outer shell, but I'm just like everyone else. I hurt. I'm scared of getting hurt. I still get hurt.

I sit there with my knees to my chest, staring at the crackling fire.

I startle when I hear Eli say, "What are you doing?"

"Burning stuff." I say with a shrug. I don't turn away from the fire. It's mesmerizing.

"OK, Captain Obvious." Eli kinda laughs, "I mean, what are you burning?" I can tell Eli is behind me now, "And don't say stuff."

I sigh, long and deep, "This is garbage. Some things are Jaq's. I'm sending his stuff to hell early. Don't want to have his luggage lost with tons of other suitcases going in."

Eli doesn't laugh at my sad joke. He's just silent. I'm silent. The whole world is silent except for the sound of the crackling fire and the chirps of birds as they fly into trees whilst the sun sets.