The New Doctor

7. The Committee.

When Chief first told me there would be a new committee formed, I was apprehensive as well as excited. We were getting funds and grants, things meant to improve the hospital and they wanted members of every department on the committee so that the money could be appropriately distributed and spent where it was needed most. To my surprise, but not really, Chief asked Ryan and I to represent the emergency department on the committee.

Our first meeting is today and although I'm not scheduled to work in the emergency department, I can't help but stop in to make sure things are going smoothly. They are, of course, since I've trained everyone perfectly, but it is a relief to know things go well when I'm not there.

I work my way up to the conference room, one of the first people to show up. I make a seat for myself at the end and jot things down on a notepad of what I think some money could go towards. I want new carts for my nurses. The ones we have now are old and bulky, hard to push when you're in a hurry. I wouldn't think five or so carts would eat up much money, so I hope to bring that up today.

As I write notes down, ideas, the rest of the committee comes in and sits down. I'm a little taken aback when Ryan doesn't sit with me, instead choosing to sit by a pediatric doctor who is, as I notice now, a very, very pretty woman. Ryan pulls her chair out for her and sits, leaning in to listen to what she's saying. I feel a twinge of jealousy but I try to let it go.
The head of the hospital comes in and starts, explaining again what the committee is for and what they're hoping to achieve in having us all there. He starts with general things, some new water fountains and a new vending machine. He then starts around the room for things we all need.

The beautiful woman next to Ryan stands up to start it off. "In the pediatric wing, there is a large need for toys and things. Not only are our patients young, obviously, but they often times have siblings that need to be entertained for what is sometimes a long wait. If we had a small area to play, it might make things better for the families that need us."

We all nod and agree, designating a portion of the money we have to do that, setting up a peds nurse as the one to set up the area and get all the toys purchased. Things continue on and they get to me. I stand up, suddenly nervous and completely avoiding Ryan's gaze.

"I was wondering if and hoping that we could get some new carts for the nurses in the emergency department. The ones we have now are old and outdated. They're heavy and in an emergency, they're hard to maneuver. We'd only need five or so and I'm pretty sure they're reasonably priced." I stay standing but look around. Ryan raises his hand.

"So, what you're saying is the carts are too heavy for you nurses to push around?" He smirks at the end. I nearly jump across the room to punch him. "No, I'm stating they don't move that easily and in an emergency, that could be bad."

"So you're too weak to push them? Okay, then. Let's get the little nurses new carts." Instead of sitting down, I leave, slamming the door on my way out. I walk down the long hallway, taking the stairs instead of the elevator. I hear shoes coming after me, scuffing on the floor. "Ben!" I know it's Ryan's voice.

I move quicker down the stairs, set on avoiding him. I am so mad that my hands are shaking, the small breakfast I ate threatening to come back up. I thought when we first met I'd wanted to punch Ryan but I was wrong. I've never wanted to punch him as much as I do right now. I fight the urge to turn and wait for him just so I can ram my fist into his face.
"Ben, wait!" I hear him getting closer and for some reason, I do as he asks. I stop, leaning against the stair well, my arms crossed over my chest. I hear him on the steps above me and I take a deep breath, an attempt to calm myself. He comes down and sees me, his eyes wide and he looks sorry.

"What the fuck do you want, Ryan?" He stops at my tone and looks down, his body stopping just a few steps from me. He just stares, his eyes slowly moving up to meet mine. "You heard me, didn't you? What do you want?" He moves closer but I back away.

"I'm sorry," he says quietly, again attempting to move closer to me. "Sorry for what, exactly? Sorry for ignoring me and sitting with that woman and flirting with her? Or sorry you made me look like a fucking bitch in front of everyone? You should have just stood up and called me a faggot the way you were talking to me."

He flinches at my words, his eyes looking down again. "I'm sorry for all of it. Please, don't be mad at me." He grabs a hold of my hand to which I pull away. "Just stay away from me, Ryan." He starts to say something but I cut him off. "Save it, I don't want anything to do with you."

"But what about everything between us? You can't just let that go, Ben. Please, I said I was sorry. Why can't you forgive me?" I just sigh, my arms crossing across my body like shield. "We fucked. It's really not a big deal. But it's over now. So go be straight and hate on the gay nurse and do whatever you want. I'm done fucking dealing with you."

"Don't say that!" His yelling surprises me. "Don't say that all we did was fuck. I said I was sorry. I don't know why I said those things. And I wasn't flirting with Anne, I was just talking with her. My sister is a pediatrician and they went through the same internship together. I should have sat with you, I know that. But, I don't know. Maybe I'm not as ready to be out as you are. Okay? I told you I've never done this before. Can't you forgive me?"

And I can. I can completely understand that he's not sure of how to handle things and I can understand that he didn't mean anything by not sitting with me and talking with who I now know is Anne. I do forgive him, but I won't go through this again. I won't be a secret and I won't fuck in the closet while he hides.

"I understand what you're saying." He looks relieved at my gentle tone. "But," he looks panicked, "just because I hear what you're saying and can forgive you doesn't mean I'm willing to just go on like things were before. I appreciate your apology. But from now on, let's just work together and that's it. Also, I'll be informing the committee that I'll be removing myself from it. So go back up, get our department some nice stuff and I'll see you at 0700 tomorrow."

"Ben, no," but I cut him off. "Bye, Dr. Anders. I'll see you in the morning." I turn, ignoring my urge to cry and head out of the hospital. I've worked here nearly five years and I think tomorrow will be the first day I call in sick.