stained (phan) || book #1

eight

fanart by @breeannn

tw// mentions of self-harm and depression

P H I L ' S   P O V

"Dan," I whispered in the dark room. We were in my bed, his back to me. I was tracing my finger on his back, connecting the dots with his freckles. Our feet were intertwined and his shoulders raised with every inhale, and dropped with every exhale.

"Hmm?"

"What's the scratches on your back from?" I dared to ask. He tensed. "Y-you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

Dan sighed, turning to face me with brown eyes that were twinkling with tears. "I used to hurt myself," he replied, his voice shaky.

I frowned. "Why? Why would you do that?"

"The voices in my head were louder than ones in the real world. I called myself names in my head, told myself to do bad things. I get bullied because I'm queer and wear pink." He explained. "Nobody else was there to hold me, therefore I held myself.

"When was the last time you did it?"

He hesitated, then locked eyes with me. "The day before I met you."

My eyes widened. "I stopped you?"

He nodded. "You're a distraction from my thoughts in the very best way."

I smiled. "Well I'm not going to romanticize mental illness and tell you that your scars are beautiful- because they aren't. Your skin shouldn't hold scars, it should hold kisses. And no, I won't tell you this is a phase, or that you're just being a teen- because that's also bullshit. This is a serious problem and I don't wanna see you hurting yourself. I'll help you through this, alright?"

He nodded. "Ironic, isn't it?"

"What?"

"I stabbed myself in the back before anybody else could."

And then we were silent, and I looked at him and he looked at me, and then his eyes were watering and so were mine, and I leaned in.

But I stopped before our lips could meet, my hot breath washing over his face. "I'd never stab you in the back,"

We locked eyes. "I know," he murmured. I kissed his forehead.

"Go to sleep now."

And he did. He shut his eyes and so did I, and soon we were asleep.

I was woken up to the sound of shuffling. I sat up to see Wirrow and Bryony climbing through my window. I grumbled. "What the hell do you two want?"

Then I realized. Dan was next to me. They saw him, and now they knew.

"Is that Dan?" Bryony asked. I gulped.

"N-no,"

Dan twitched and slowly woke up, sitting up and looking at them, exposing his face. Shit.

"That's definitely him. Phil, what the fuck are you doing?" Wirrow snapped.

"I- he-"

"You fucking traitor," Bryony spat.

"What's going on?" Dan whimpered tiredly. I snaked my hand under the blankets and intertwined my fingers through his, trying to calm him down.

"What's going on is this asshole killed your brother, and now he's supposed to kill you but he's too much of a baby to do it."

"What?" Dan snapped his head towards me. "That can't be true. He wouldn't do that. . ."

"Oh, but he would," Wirrow began, then pulled out the photo of Dan Mason had given to us before we murdered him. "And here's proof."

Dan took the Polaroid photo and tears began to stream down his face in shock, his jaw dropped. "You-"

"Dan, I can explain-"

"You're a psychopath! A monster! God, and to think you were actually a good person! Fuck you, Phil Lester! I hope you burn in hell! You're a murderer! I hate you! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"

"Dan-"

He swung his hand and struck me straight across the face, standing up from my bed and pulling his clothes on.

"Well now that you know," Bryony started. Wirrow smirked, then within seconds Wirrow had Dan in a chokehold while Bryony held me back. He snatched a knife and held it to Dan's throat, Dan letting out sobs. Wirrow covered his mouth to shut him up. "We're gonna have to kill you."

"Please don't! I won't tell anybody! Promise! I'll join you guys, I'll be good!"

"Wirrow! Don't you fucking dare!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, struggling against Bryony's grasp.

"Phil, help me!" Dan cried out, his body shaking and hands trembling as he sobbed. Bryony stayed quiet, and then it happened.

"Sorry," Wirrow said casually, and the knife was sliced across Dan's skin, cutting it, blood immediately pouring out of his throat.

"NO!" I screamed so loud I felt my lungs would burst. Dan dropped to the ground, blood spraying all over the three of us and my bed sheets. He lay on my bedroom floor, dead, while I stared in shock. Bryony loosened her grip and I took my chance, shoving her backwards into my desk and running right at Wirrow.

I knocked into him, sending both of us backwards and smashing into the window, the glass breaking as the two of us fell through, me punching him in mid-air. I knocked him out and then I hit the ground.

My head hit the headboard as I shot awake, my chest heaving and tears streaming down my cheeks. I clutched my chest, squeezing my eyes shut. Dan was already sitting up, his arm on my shoulder with a concerned touch in his eyes. "Phil, it's okay. It was just a nightmare."

I looked at him and instantly cried harder, but this time it was joy. Joy that he wasn't dead. He was still here.  It was just a nightmare.

I grabbed him and pulled him to me, squeezing him, afraid that if I loosened my grip my nightmare would become a reality. Dan hugged me back, rubbing my back and nudging his chin into my sweaty hair. "Y-you died a-and I couldn't s-save you and-"

"Shhh, you don't have to continue. I'm right here, Phil. I'm alive, see? It's alright. It was just a bad dream, it's not real."

He didn't understand that it could become real. He didn't understand that the things that he called me was true, that I did kill Mason, that Wirrow and Bryony really would kill him if I didn't do it soon. If I didn't do something about this, I could lose him. But for some stupid fucking reason, I pulled away and put my hands on his face.

Dan's eyes went wide and I stared right into his eyes, and then it happened.

I kissed him.

(a/n: ok this is a late author's note (edited in), but I was looking through the comments on this chapter and a lot of you are relating to the fact that Dan self harms. that's not okay, none of you should feel so sad that you think that's your only escape. it's not helpful and that's not a good way to distract yourself , please talk to someone or even write out your feelings in a journal or hint at them in a book. just please don't hurt yourselves. none of you deserve that. I'm a year and a half clean and I know you all can survive this. I appreciate each and every one of you and your existence is important. I've got social medias if you need to talk, or read the personal chapters in my rant book)