how i survived

|| burgundy

AN/ the image above; I have chosen it as it shows a page of my own journal, like Hayley's. Excuse the handwriting.

🍃

"Hayley!"

"Aislinn?"

"Hey!"

"Hi."

"What? What is it?"

"Nothing. I'm just surprised."

"Surprised?"

"You kept your promise."

She laughed her bittersweet laugh,
high pitched like the cowbells tinkling
when a shop door is swung open merrily,
or like wind-chimes tickling each other,
when their metallic melody is nurtured by a fond breeze.

"Of course. I keep my promises."

"I know that now."

I guess that's when the tidal wave
roared and screamed in the distance,
before crashing down and engulfing me
in it's miserable foamy glory.

Because it was at that exact moment when I remembered all the reasons why I was so afraid and so depressed.

My hideous clown smile slipped and crushed the circus floor with its unbearable weight, exposing the freak who hibernated in the daylight hours, who constantly hid without fail behind the false facade of cheer.

Without fail. That's a laugh. I failed then,
and I'm failing now;
excuse the tear splattered pages.
My emotions are unpredictable sometimes.

I could hear Aislinn's sharp intake of breath as her beautiful eyes settled on the ugly that overwhelmed my life so many times before, and I couldn't concentrate on anything, except the way her jumper began to blur. My eyes stung with toxic tears.

"Hey, hey, hey... What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing." I beamed, wiping my nose on the scruffy fabric of my sleeves. I sniffed deeply, but my surroundings only became more watery, more blurred, like a camera lens with nothing to focus on. "I have a bit of a cold. That's all."

Worried, Aislinn asked, "Are you sure?"

"I couldn't be more certain about anything." I lied.

"You're a filthy liar."

"I swear I'm fine."

"I've never seen anyone so far from the word."

And what could I possibly say to this?
Of course, I was wise and I said nothing, as my throat was dry and
b u r n i n g.
The floodgates were bulging.
I couldn't hold the pain in anymore- I couldn't- I couldn't - I can't -

"I   C A N ' T   A N Y M O R E!"

It's exactly what I yelled at her. My voice was high-pitched and insane.
And concern created a tentative edge in Aislinn's tone as she took hold of my shoulders, crushing me to her chest.