how i survived

|| erased

"Hayley, come on!"

Whipping lashes of a gale
sent cascades of my hair
slapping into my face.
I was
raw with churning emotion.

The boiling tears were singing
the corners of my eyes.

"Hey, hey."

I felt his footsteps fall into step
with my own,
a hand warm wrapping around my

w r i s t.

I snatched my hand out of a
hold that bore less comfort
than the sweet token of pity
in his voice.

Ruben's eyes were pits of coal,
exploding in a kaleidoscope of light and shade.

Coming up with a billion
theories in his head,
none of them good enough,
none of them able to explain
the insanity of my actions.

To leave a coffee lounge with
pounding footsteps that tore
up the ground
and shoved tectonic plates into an overdrive,
was otherworldly and inexplicable to him.

He's a boy and a boy
fails to understand.

"Please," he spoke softly.
"Hayley, come on."

"Come on?" I seethed.

"What's wrong?" he enquired, visibly
injured with the punctuated poison darts
I spat in his face.

"They think I'm crazy."

"They don't understand."

Cars shot up the road,
buildings and people
danced as shadows cast themselves
against brickwork.

Pages of abandoned newspapers hung their heads,
rolling along the gum-studded
pathways with their hands stuffed
in their pockets.

Everything else was alive,
while we were still.

"Take me home, Ruben."
I murmured.

A scowl crumpled his features.
"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"I'm sorry about them-"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"That you skipped a big game
for me."

Ruben shook his head.
"Does it concern you?"

I folded my arms,
an imaginary barrier
between gratefulness
and shame forming between us.

Pulling out his car key,
Ruben grunts, "I'm sorry."

I nod my head slowly.

"Are you okay?"

I smile, but I don't reply.

I didn't trust myself.

{I understand him now
                    I understand everything
I understand everything but myself

                 What is it about me
that wrestles people to the floor
                 with unjust hatred
like a ship is summoned to a Siren?

               And why do I ruin people
so that their smile is stolen
              like a chalk navy-tint cloud steals the radiance of the moon?

                 It takes an entire ocean,
                 and an inconstant moon
to erase
                my footsteps in the sand.

Maybe they work
to erase me too.

I want to die.}