Never Again

Part Twenty

Erin sat in the car and took a deep breath, the building to her right causing her to almost hyperventilate. Michelle had offered to come with her during one of the many late night conflabs over the kitchen table. Dave diplomatically was absent, the gym or work ‘calling him away’ from the girls talk. But both women were happier with that decision, it allowed the conversations to battle late into the night.

Erin flinched as she looked right at the words ‘Antenatal Clinic’. Since that day in the south of the France when she’d saw the red ring circling a date weeks earlier that should have heralded the start of her last period...and didn’t, she’d been facing the unbelievable fact that she was pregnant. The blue line of the test was further proof, but once she stepped into that building it would become real. She couldn’t pretend that this was all a dream once the doctor had told her for definite.

                “What are you going to do?” Michelle had asked when she’d turned up on her doorstep straight from the airport.

Erin had taken a deep breath before she revealed more to her friend than she’d felt able to months ago, “I was desperate for a baby...with Max it’s all I’ve ever wanted,” she looked up and smiled at her friend’s shocked face, “it was the final straw, not the affair, the gambling, but that after more than a year of asking, he still refused to think about us having a child. I had decided to end things with him before all the rest of the shit. It’s a godsend now after all that’s happened, that I’m not tied to him, but I wanted a baby more than anything...still do.”

                “And Jack is hardly a disappointment in the father department!” Michelle sounded so cynical, and whilst she knew that her friend was nothing short of supportive, she knew that the doubt in her voice only reflected the fear and anxiety that Erin had felt all the way home from France.  Her anticipation of Jack’s reaction to impending and very unexpected fatherhood.

Erin hung her head, she knew immediately what people would think, that she’d planned this, that it was premeditated, but it really wasn’t. She couldn’t think when it had happened, they’d been careful...but it had happened, the blue line on the test confirmed it.  But she was shocked, admittedly pleased, the timing was dreadful, but the thought of having a baby, even alone as a single parent was an encouraging thought, nevertheless it was the last thing that she’d imagined happening to her.

                “I didn’t plan this Michelle, I’m not out to ensnare a rich man! I’ll do this alone with no help from him if that’s what I have to do. And let’s be honest, he’s all about himself. He has no interest in anyone else.”

Michelle gasped amazed at the desperation and self deprecation in her voice, “Erin, I NEVER even imagined that, not for a second. You’re my best friend, I know you, and I know you’d not do that.” Erin smiled half-heartedly, and Michelle added, “but I disagree over his selfishness, I think that he’ll be a brilliant father figure, and whatever you think I believe he’ll loves you saying that, I fear for you. What the hell will he say?”

As she sat in the car park still trying to face up to the reality of an antenatal appointment, Erin was still pondering that idea - what Jack would say when she told him. But she knew that regardless of her fears, she would tell him, there was no doubt about that...she just wasn’t sure when.

Michelle tried to assure her that Jack was a good man, that he’d not see things that way, but Erin wasn’t so sure. He was damaged emotionally, he didn’t see his family from one year to the next, had not had a decent length relationship...according to intensive searches on Google; he was suspicious, anxious, and would probably accuse her of untold crimes. He’d think the worst; she knew that and the thought of his anger filled her with dread. But he couldn’t change what was happening, and despite it all she had to tell him.