Never Again

Part Thirty Two

Erin sat looking out over the peaceful fields; it was a beautiful autumn morning. From this spot, high above her parents’ farm she was away from the furore. It was a month since she’d checked herself out of the hospital in Manchester. Since then she’d been monitored and checked out by a local doctor. Apparently she was making an excellent recovery. Physically she was feeling fitter every day, but emotionally she was a long way from it. Every time she closed her eyes, found sleep, she relived that horrendous moment of waking up all over again. In those moments nothing had changed, she was still carrying her beloved baby, and everything was happy.

Reality was very different. And if she ever forgot she had seen the headlines to remind her of exactly all that had happened. How people knew her name she didn’t know. Her father had offered use of his solicitor to look into how the tabloids had found out about her and the baby she’d lost, but that would only drag things out. Then the manager of the hospital had contacted her to apologise, but she wasn’t interested in revisiting that chapter of her life. It was as Jack had always said; it would be tomorrow’s history. The last thing she wanted was to relive it all, and any protest would do that. Ignorance was bliss, and whilst her name and face were plastered all over the newspapers, she was hiding out at her parents, and no one knew she was there. Somehow no one knew where her parents lived...either that of her father had threatened anyone who came within a hundred feet of the farm.

Dropping back to lie on the bracken, a soft cushion of thick fern, she watched planes leave white trails across the bright blue sky, wishing that she was on one of them flying somewhere, anywhere.  But a holiday was the last thing she could manage as once again she wasn’t working. The Manchester clinic had kept her job open for her, but at the moment she couldn’t bear the thought of returning north. If after her marriage broke down she’d reached rock bottom, then now she’d found all times lows..

It was Saturday, the world was full of football, hence her retreat to the hills, because Jack was never more than an inch from her conscious thoughts and seeing him on TV or even hearing his name was all too much. Michelle had just left after a three day visit and she’d forced Erin in a way her parents were too scared, to look at the past. After her initial sympathy and support, Michelle’s attitude had changed.

                “I don’t understand why you left Erin, it’s almost as though you’re blaming Jack for what happened.”

That was completely not what Erin intended, but she hadn’t actually vocalised her words, she wasn’t able to admit how she felt to herself let alone anyone else.

                “I need space and time.” Was all that Erin felt able to offer and it had angered Michelle.

                “Erin, you know I love you, but I can’t believe that. If you did need space why wouldn’t you tell him? Explain that. Instead you just ran away leaving him floundering. I feel real sympathy for him Erin, he’s suffering.”

                “You’ve seen him?”

Michelle nodded, “your parents have told him he can’t come here at the moment, so he came to me, to see if I knew anything. The man is a wreck; I don’t think he’s slept properly in weeks. But he respects your wishes, that you don’t want to see him, even if he doesn’t understand why. He knows that you need time to recover, and he’s giving you more than you deserve. But it’s not fair. You’re not that person Erin, you’re not a bitch, you need to talk to him.”

Michelle had sat across the room from her, hugely pregnant and beautiful with it, and Erin felt so envious, of everything that her friend had. How could she understand how Erin felt? She’d met Dave and things had been perfect ever since. Life wasn’t easy, they had their rough patches, but on the whole Michelle had a great relationship with him, and now that she was about to have a baby, her life was truly complete.