After Death

My Biggest Fear

(I wrote this way back in August, the night before school started.)

It's 2 AM and I'm wide awake.
Staying up late was a pretty big mistake,
But wait - there's more to it than that.
Thoughts in my head just won't stop:
Too fat, too awkward, too ugly,
Negativity is coming back to me.
So it's 2 AM and I'm writing a rap,
Late in the night or early in the morning,
Before the sun can rise,
I'm sitting here writing,
And thinking and hoping,
For it all to go away,
Those damn thoughts
That tend to stay.
Four minutes have passed,
But it feels like an hour.
I'll be up until five
And tomorrow I'll die.
First day of school
Tends to motherfucking SUCK.
But you can't just get up and go
If it gets to be too much.
Haven't written like this in goddamn ages,
And my furious thoughts are covering the pages.
Now that I've started I just can't stop,
Cuz I got a lot to say and I've been locked up.
I've been binging at night and it's a terrible thing -
Too hard to control but I can't keep eating.
Trying to starve but that never fucking works.
Haven't cut yet, but I'm losing control.
I know I said I won't relapse this fall,
Or at least that's my goal,
The problem is that I probably will,
But of a different reason,
And this just might kill.
Not feeling suicidal but if I get hooked,
I'll starve until I like the way I look.
And binge and puke until I'm numb.
Might sound dumb but I'll be so far gone
That I won't even fucking care.

And that, my friends, is my biggest fear.