forget me ➳ troyler au // THIRD //

XIII

// trigger warnings: swearing

warning: i think a somewhat emotional chapter ?

150509

13:24

I just realised that you can do so much in a split second. Anything. You can break a friendship. You can finally marry the person you've been looking for. You could have found the one.

A split second is like an eternity. You think about one thing and you make that decision. And that decision could have made life for better or for worse.

Mostly, to me, it's for worse.

Literally, in a split second, I could have not over reacted to what Caspar told me. I could have told him to go back to Joe Sugg and marry him because I know that son of a bitch really likes him.

Anyways, I could have told Caspar to go shove Joe's dick in his mouth. And that could be final. But the outcome would probably still be the same: Me attempting suicide. Without the amnesia, though. People would have told me that I hurt Caspar and that I shouldn't be speaking. I could have gone mute. I could have not told anyone anything and committed suicide.

I also could have told Caspar to just fuck off because he doesn't know who I am or what I'm like. People wouldn't have been mad. I probably would still end up with Tyler next to me and with a smile on my face with maybe faded cuts or new cuts? Who knows? I could have made a split second about if I should not get help about it or not.

A split second is eternity, I say again. It will feel like an eternity even in such a short amount of time. I make split second decisions all the time without even thinking about it and something goes wrong.

I made a split second decision to overdose, but then Tyler made that split second decision to find me and call the hospital. Connor made that split second decision to tell me that I'm worthless and of course Tyler made that split second decision to tell me that I'm worth everything. It's sucks how that in a split second, anything could change.

This subject about how split seconds can change anything makes me think about the whole world. I think about what happens if I didn't do the thing that will kill me, which is most likely suicide, and what would happen if I didn't move to California. I wonder what would happen if I ran away, or what would have happened if I never met Connor.

I sometimes ask myself, "What would have happened if I never met Tyler?" If I never asked him where the directions were to the office on the first day of school in California, I wouldn't be like this. I would probably find friends, such as Dan and Phil. They were around us, I think, when I needed directions to the office. Or maybe I'd find Zoe and Alfie. If I never met Tyler, I wouldn't be like this.

Maybe the reason why I'm so sad is because of Tyler. Maybe Tyler is the reason why I'm so sad.

But Tyler is the one who makes me happy. His friends are the ones that make me sad. And on the day I got attacked by his "friends" he never even bothered to help and stop the attack, nor did he even attack me. I don't know.

I also wonder what would happen if I die, as I said earlier. What if I just... Ended my life here? What would have happened? Would anyone even ask for my whereabouts? Would they even care? I sometimes want to do that just to end my life to wonder if they will ask for me.

The thing is, I want to end my life, but I don't.

I just want to forget everything. I want to move back to Australia and forget everything that has happened in California. I want to leave this place and turn back to my old, straight friends because they seem cool. I just want to forget everything.