Totally Inappropriate *UNDER EDITING*

Chapter 12

As was becoming a habit of mine, I fell asleep after I cried. There were blurry memories of burying my face in my pillows and tossing and turning, but when I woke up, it was to the sunlight of morning. There was condensation on my windows.

Sitting bolt upright in my bed, my gaze swiveled over to my mirror opposite my bed and took in messy hair, puffy eyes and creased clothes. How attractive.

I just thinking about to getting up and showering but a knock on the door sounded.

Please don't be Benjamin, I thought, but feeling cruel for the thought.

"Come in," I croaked.

And of course Benjamin opened the door. He wasn't cocky or stoic as usual, and not sweet or caring like last night. More... awkward. Uncomfortable. Like he was walking on eggshells around me because he wasn't sure what I'd do next. Clearly my aunts had shown him I really was a nutcase; why the first two families had given me up. He was probably wondering why the last hadn't run away from me, rather than vice versa.

"So, um, your friend rang just after you fell asleep last night," he told me, not even saying hello. I tucked my hair behind my ears self-consciously. "Jenny? She said something about having a dinner party with a guy named Kruger. Isn't that that guy from Reggie's?"

I nodded, feeling kind of shocked. She was throwing a dinner party with him? She'd only met him two weeks ago! Disgracefully, I had only spoken with Jenny once after our meet-up, right after seeing Tyrone. She'd said they'd spoken all night at the bar and already gone on a very successful date but, after that, nothing. I'd been so preoccupied with my own life that I hadn't even really thought of my two friends. Shameful, but true. "When?"

"Today at two. She said I could come, too, when I told her who I was." He shot me a look after that last bit. His eyes were deadly serious, almost inquiring, but I had to look away. What was he- to me, anyway? Were we friends? Were we... something more?

What had he said he was?

"I'm gonna' go get a shower," I told him, swiftly getting off the bed. "And don't feel like you have to come to the dinner party."

"I don't."

"Well, then, I'll see you at one-thirty."

I wasn't exactly sure what I was doing with him. I was in love with him. I wanted his affection. And yet... part of me didn't want him to love me back. Part of me whispered nasty taunts into my mind, reminding me how I wasn't good enough, pretty enough or smart enough, to be with someone like him. He deserved someone better, didn't he? Maybe a tall blonde with a high GPA and a rich daddy; not some ex-stripper with dyslexia.

The thought of rejecting him, should he ever look at me that way in a million years, broke my heart. But I knew I had to do it. I was likely just a bit of fun for him, and though I knew he wasn't just some guy, he was still a teenage boy who let his hormones get out of control sometimes. But if he somehow wanted to be with me now... I would turn him down. For self-preservation, because one day he would change his mind.

In the shower, I cried again. I didn't think I had any more tears after last night, or the emotional strength to sob after all the freak-outs I'd had in the past three weeks, but I did. The water sprayed loudly, covering up the sound as I wept over my revelation. No, I could never be with Benjamin; I wouldn't be so selfish.

Thankfully, my eyes had already been red-rimmed before, so I was able to act as though my secret outburst had never happened. I smiled as I met Benjamin downstairs, making idle chitchat on the way to Kruger's home, acting just like normal. I wasn't sure if Benjamin bought it or not because his face was always that of a scowl or glare, so I just had to run with it. Inside, I felt empty; far beyond sad. Maybe I was behaving like a lovesick teenager or maybe I truly would never find someone as great as Benjamin, but my new resolve felt like one to never find happiness.