Totally Inappropriate *UNDER EDITING*

Chapter 14

More weeks flew by.

I felt like I had broken away from myself in a way; like I was a shell of a person. Not only was I missing Benjamin to the point of wanting to break down just at the sight of his beautiful face, I was also having to deal with the rumours about me that circled around the school. Everywhere I went, I felt shame and embarrassment, and yet I could not bring myself to acknowledge what had happened- even if that just made it look like everything he'd said was true. My face remained blank as I avoided my friends in the halls and holed myself up in my room.

I could tell that everyone was worrying about me, too. After falling into this state of emptiness, I had also experienced an extreme lack of appetite, meaning my only-just-getting-healthier frame soon grew gangly and fragile. It wasn't to the point of looking skeletal, but my bones were admittedly more pronounced in certain places and I was a lot further away from a healthy BMI than I already had been before. Lilith and Richard shot me concerned looks throughout every meal, worse still when I didn't even come down, and they only grew more worried when the arrival of the end of the semester came.

I'd been drinking a glass of water, plainly ignoring the small piece of toast Lilith had placed in front of me, when Richard walked into the kitchen with the post. The hold-up of school had put me in mood that wasn't so utterly numb I felt like I could sit with everyone else in the kitchen, but that soon changed when both my new guardians shot me a frown after scanning my report card.

"Sveta, I think we need to have a word about your grades," said Richard, frowning at me. Not unkindly; more like he felt sorry for me. I wasn't sure which was worse.

I was acutely aware of how Benjamin seemed to linger at the breakfast bar unnecessarily, slowly eating his breakfast as he absorbed what was going on. I was sure that, should I look at him, I would find worry in his gaze. For the first time, I found myself truly wondering why I was doing this- making myself unhappy- but not enough to stop.

"Okay," I said quietly, folding my hands in my lap. My eyes trained on the marble surface where my untouched toast was, and now my glass of water. I couldn't bear to see the disappointment on their faces as they started to spill the contents of their thoughts out. They told me how much they were worrying about me, my weight and my grades, and how they just wanted to help but I was the only one that could let them. I wasn't surprised with the report card as I had, after all, stopped my sessions with Malia and my learning difficulties weren't exactly helping, but I just couldn't find the words to say anything when they had stopped. Well, nothing other than, "I'm sorry," but I knew that wasn't what they were looking for.

"Do you need a tutor, maybe?" Lilith asked. She moved forwards to wrap her arm around my shoulders, making me feel a little overwhelmed. It was too hard. They were making it too hard! How was I supposed to keep in control, keep detached, when they kept being so nice?

I shrugged out from under Lilith's arm, trying to be as nice as I could by shooting her an apologetic look afterwards. Nonetheless, I could see hurt flash in her eyes, and it was ten times worse because Lilith always looked so kind and motherly. "I'm fine, thanks," I said. I started walking out of the kitchen. "I'm just not trying hard enough. I'll revise more, I promise."

And I did. I put all my time into working hard for the next few days, and while I did make some progress, it was tough. It seemed like the harder I tried to read, the more the words moved across the page and the harder I tried to write, the more I got distracted. I hadn't asked anyone for help yet but one of the English assignments I'd completed was something my teacher had stressed as important, so when Benjamin walked past I couldn't help but ask him to proof –read it.

"Sure," he said, shooting me a cautious smile. He looked like he didn't know whether to be happy I was talking to him or afraid I would run away, something that made guilt swell up within my chest. I just sat there in silence as I watched him scan my work, crossing out things and correcting them so often that I felt my cheeks tinge slightly pink. As always, Benjamin acted as though he didn't notice me blushing.