Just Listen

Chapter 1

  I choked on my feelings. Tears fell on my cheeks as I watched my dad get lowered into the ground.

  I held on tighter to my mom's hand and stared at the tan dead grass. A woman sang amazing grace and it took everything inside of me not to scream at her to shut the hell up. I didn't want this. This couldn't be real. I just had a conversation with my dad not even a week ago. But then, he was driving on his way to work and he didn't see the car coming. Nobody did.

  It felt like someone had stabbed me; every muscle in my body tightened.
It was unfair and it shouldn't have been him. I shouldn't of let him get in his pickup and take off. I should have held onto him tighter and whispered for him to stay with me for the last few days of summer. Maybe he'd still be with me now. I can see it- us laughing it all off while making our lasagna. It felt good to think of the happiness but I threw the thought aside knowing he'd never be back.
There wasn't any hope. He was already gone and there was no way for me to bring him back. I was angry.
Glancing over across the circle of bodies, I spotted the man who had hit him in the accident. His long fiery orange beard and hair, and his sad, droopy eyes watching my dad get lowered. A feeling of contempt rose deep inside of me for the man. I wanted to go and pound my fists against his chest, but I withheld myself. Like I said, there was nothing I could do. It was a pure accident.
As the woman finished the song, my dad was at the bottom of the pit and everyone started to walk back to their cars and to the after ceremony. My legs wobbled as I trudged towards the enclave. I slowly opened the door and shut it behind me. And as my mom climbed into the driver's seat, she rested her head on the steering wheel and sighed.
I swung my head in her direction and watched as the tears fell from her icy blue eyes. She had felt unsure this morning, and I could tell she was worried about something, and it wasn't dad. It was an emotion that reflected so easily off of her.
At this moment, I knew I had to comfort her somehow, but I didn't know how. It was once in a blue moon that my mother and I shared a moment. She usually hid in her bedroom or worked in her office my whole life. I placed my hand on the back of her tiny frame and rubbed. My touch comforted her but my arms felt ten times heavier than before. After she snuffled a few times, she lifted her head and looked my way, giving me a small smile.

"I don't know what I'd do without you Bonnie," she said ever so slightly.
I remembered those words. My dad had spoken them to me the day before the accident. He had been feeling emotional for some odd reason, and I couldn't quite place why. But being buried in my homework that last weekend, I barely noticed that my dad was gone day and night.
"Same here Mom," I replied replicating her smile. I know that both of us felt the smile made it hurt worse, knowing that we showed the slightest bit of happiness on such a sad day.
But without saying a word, she drove back to the church and parked the car in the spot reserved for immediate family. She pulled the car into parking mode and I knew she had to say something to me as she bit her lip.
Mom turned her head slightly, bracing herself for what she was about to tell me and I squirmed in my seat. "Bonnie, Hon. I know this is really hard for you, and school starts tomorrow." She bit the inside of her cheek. "I don't want to keep you from your first day but I can't be home alone, not now. How would you feel if I asked you to stay home with me this week?"
My body tensed. I didn't want to be home because home reminded me of my dad; all the family portraits and the scent of his cologne still lingering on pillows and blankets. But I couldn't leave my mom home alone to face the same fear by herself.
"Of course," I squeezed her hand.
"Alright. Let's go put on a brave face Mom said with little enthusiasm, popping open her car door.
~~~
That night, I gorged on some of my dad's favorite foods. Lasagna, apple pie, sausage, and turkey, all still lingered on my tongue as we drove back home.
As soon as we got home, I ran upstairs to my room, not glancing a second into my dad's office. I burst through my door and immediately went to light a candle as the stink of my uneaten egg breakfast still sat on my dresser. I was too upset to eat this morning. Glancing towards the food, I noticed a few flies played with it and I immediately ran to throw it away.
I dumped my breakfast in the garbage and ran to the bathroom, thoroughly scrubbing my hands for several minutes. When I finished scrubbing my hands, I looked up into the mirror at my wavy black hair and deep green eyes.
I examined my appearance and slowly grazed my eyes over my stomach. Ever since my dad's death, I've hadn't felt like eating. It's just the thought of eating food makes me want to vomit and I wasn't in the mood to eat. But, my stomach was too full and bloated to tell if I looked skinnier.
I pulled my shirt back down to hide the disgrace and dried my hands. And as I walked out of the bathroom to my room, my phone vibrates in my back pocket. Pulling it out, I notice Stella was calling me. Stella has been my best friend since first grade. She lost her mom at birth and she's trying her hardest to help me, and my grieving, but honestly, she doesn't know what she's doing. She doesn't know the actual pain I'm in.
"Hey, Bonnie," she said warily. "I just wanted to check on you after the funeral. Of course the funeral was family only so I couldn't come but-" she rambled but I tuned out, walking back in the bathroom to examine my stomach in the mirror. It looked rounded and more protruded than usual. I had always compared myself to Stella although. Her perfect shaped cheekbones, auburn hair that was always shiny, perfectly cut and healthy. Stella also had a super flat tummy and I was always jealous, poking my body fat that jiggled. I bet if I had poked Stella's stomach, it wouldn't jiggle like mine had.
"Bonnie? Are you even listening to me?"
"Honestly, Stella, no. I've got a lot on my mind right now and you were rambling again." I twirled my hair in my fingers as I walked over to my bed and pulled back the covers, sinking deeper into my mattress.
"Do you want me to come over?" She said with a quickened voice.
"You can but I actually just want to get out of this damned house. All the memories of my dad; I just can't take it," I whimpered.
"No, no. I totally get it. How about we go out? I'm thinking sushi?"
"That sounds amazing Stella. Come pick me up?" I begged into the phone. I was excited to get out of the house and spend time with her, and I was still hungry, even though I just engorged in a big meal. I was starving after the last few days with little to no food. This would make up for it.
"Sure. Love ya."
I swung my legs off the bed and dragged my body to the closet. Sorting through the endless depressing colored shirts I had; I noticed that I never took off my funeral dress. I sighed and grabbed a plain, purple V cut shirt and some dark skinny jeans. Slipping my black funeral dress off and my fresh clothes on, I threw my dress away in the trash. It wasn't like I was going to go back and re-wear the piece of trash. The dress had memories, and emotions that I didn't want to go back to. I was ashamed what seemed like I was throwing my dad away, but anger replaced the shame and I shrugged it off. I was so angry this happened. If I could've switched positions with my dad, I would.
I grabbed my phone and slipped it in my back pocket, trudging down the loud steps. The steps were a dark swirly brown and they made it hard to escape at night when I wanted to go out with friends because it was wood instead of carpet, which meant they creaked super loudly.
"Mom?" I called down the darkened hall.
No answer. I walked further down the hall to the kitchen, letting my hand trace the mossy green wall. Poking my head around the corner, I looked for any sight of my mom.
"Mom. I'm going out to eat with Stella for dinner. I just wanted to check to see if you'll be okay here alone."
The air was quiet. I tiptoed to the laundry room and slipped some brown knee-high boots on and sauntered over to the couch and waited for Stella. The doorbell rung minutes later and I looked through the window, motioning to Stella that I would come out the garage. She nodded and walked back to her black jeep.
"Mom," I called one last time. A thin silhouette appeared in the corner of my vision and I turned.
"Mom," I smiled.
She grimaced at my voice. "Hey honey. I was downstairs looking through some stuff."
My dad's stuff. She was deciding what to throw away and what was worth keeping. His collection of snowglobes, baseballs signed by famous players, and all things that remind my mother of him seemed worthless. If he wasn't here, neither should his crap. Why don't we burn the house while we are at it?
"Right," I fake smiled. "I was going to go out to eat with Stella, she's in the driveway now, waiting for me."
"Oh sure Hun, get out with your friends."
"You sure you'll be okay home alone?" I clenched my teeth. I hated leaving her here on the last few days of summer, but I had to get out of the house. The smells, clothes, glasses, and shoes all made me want to crawl under my covers and cry.
"Oh don't worry about me, I'll be fine," she lied.
"I'll be home tonight and we can watch a movie and have some tea, I promise."
I embraced her in a hug and kissed her goodbye. But as I walked to the garage door, I looked back and my mom cried silent tears. I pretended not to notice.
                                 ~~~
While Stella and I sat eating our corn congee and sushi, I explained what happened when I left the house.
"Wow. Harsh," Stella said, stuffing her face with a piece of soy soaked rainbow roll.
I gave her a glare.
"She lost her husband Stella, what do you expect when she is left alone in her home?"
"You're right but why didn't you just stay home with her then?" she questioned. I needed to come up with an excuse.
"Stay home and be reminded of my dad every step I take? No way," I scoffed. Was that good enough? There was some truth to it afterall.
"You know, you need to grieve, you deserve it. I would know how that feels like."
Rolling my eyes, I said, "you've got to be kidding me Stella! You never even met your mother, you wouldn't know what I'm going through. You didn't have a father and daughter weekend every couple months, you didn't make lasagna, their favorite dish with them on Tuesdays!"
I bit my tongue when I saw the look Stella was giving me. She was enraged, bewildered, and sorrowful. "Stella-"
"No. You're right Bonnie. I never knew her, therefore I know nothing of what your going through. I don't know that your dads going to miss moments like prom, graduation, or even walking you down the aisle."
I sat slack jawed. Her mom missed every part of her life. Her first word, date, kiss. Everything.
"Stella, I wasn't thinking."
"That's right. You weren't." She looked down at her hands in her lap, letting her auburn hair fall in her face.
Just when I was going to apologize repeatedly and fill her with excuses, a blonde waitress stopped at our table. A waitress with a face whom I recognized too easily.
"Your waitress needed to be excused at this moment so I will take care of your bill tonight," she looked down at her pad.
"Yeah. I'll take the check please," I said glancing over at Stella who clenched her teeth and still looked the other way.
"Alright, did you want anything else on the menu miss," she said, looking up at me.
Her eyes lit up.

"Bonnie? Bonnie Adams? Oh my gosh, it's been forever! Like six years since I last saw your gorgeous face."
Her name was Gracie. Gracie was my closest friend back in the beginning of middle school. We dyed our hair the same color, wore the same clothes on summer days and went boating frequently. Memories of our squealing and our parents sipping beers while Gracie and I pushed each other off the boat. The following year, she moved a few cities away, ending our friendship by going to a new school and I dyed my hair black.
Stella rolled her eyes impatiently at Gracie.
"Yeah," I fake smiled again. "If I could have that check please?"
Gracie laughed. "Right. I'm so sorry, miss Adams," she winked. "And oh, here's your check and I'm guessing you won't be needing any dessert?" She glanced at my stomach for barely a second.
I wasn't that fat, was I?
"Of course not."
"Great! I'll be back with your credit card then," she said grabbing my Visa card from my hand. Gracie sashayed away, leaving me to have an awkward silence with Stella.
"Listen Bonnie. I might not know exactly what you're going through, but I have a damn good idea. I know you're going through a lot of pain and the worst thing is that you aren't dealing with it straight on. You're freaking acting like your dad's death isn't a huge deal when it is. So show some emotion okay?"
My mind couldn't register after her words because I noticed several people turned around and whispered. Words like, 'Bonnie Adams', 'daughter', and 'suicide attempt' were thrown around and I couldn't take it.
Yes, I heard the rumors. People had accused my father of attempting suicide but I knew him, he would never, could never do something like that. If he would, I could never forgive him. Who could've caused him to feel such pain that he had to commit? Was it me?
My heart ached and I felt sick to my stomach and by the time the whispers ended and the people turned back around to their food, I knew there was more truth to the accident and I intended to find out.