Living In My Head (Drarry)

Chapter 66: Breathe, Little Deer

A.N.

Chapter song: Perfect Disguise by Modest Mouse

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The final minutes on the way back to the school were in relative silence, each of us thinking over all we've heard. Sirius drops us all off at the front door, waving a tender goodbye to all of us before driving away. I check the clock on my new phone, everyone is bound to be met up already. I find myself hoping they hadn't waited long. I give Severus a nod and Remus a smile, to which he gives me a wry attempt at a smile.

"I need you to put in your number and Sirius's number, so we can all keep in contact." I tell Lupin and he nods, taking the phone from my outstretched hand and pushes in their numbers before closing the phone and handing it to me.

I noticed Severus's number was already inside so I waved to neither of them in particular and ran inside to figure out where everyone was waiting for me. I walked past the office window and a student tapped on the window with his knuckles then slid the thin glass out of the way, causing me to walk back to see what he had to say.

"A, uh, Miss Granger left this for you, Harry." he tells me, and I recognize him vaguely but not exactly sure where from. Maybe he's on the soccer team? Nah, he doesn't look the type. Maybe he studies in the library with Hermione? That seems more plausible.

I smile at him and he hands me a folded sheet of paper with "Harry Potter" written on the outside of it in what is obviously Hermione's handwriting.

"We're all at the bleachers by the soccer field so everyone on the teams can practice until you arrive. See you soon, Harry.  ~H.G. " I murmur under my breath. "Thank you, uh," I fumble, struggling to remember his name.

"Jethro," he tells me, his polite smile gone, and replaced with a slight hint of disappointment in his eyes. "I'm an aide with Hermione, guess it makes sense, we've never met directly. Jethro Aurick, student aide and obsessive studier, pleased to meet you. I've read about your parents' case in a true crime novel."

I immediately feel my breath shorten and Jethro's eyes go wide, "I apologize, I have no filter between my mind and my mouth. That was insensitive of me." He shuts the glass quickly, turning around and pretending to search through the file cabinet behind him.

I make a small smile and exhale slowly, people will know. It's far from common knowledge, but it isn't hard to draw the connections. I need to be able to deal with things like these. I need to strengthen myself against the memory of the dead parents I never got to know.

I tap my index fingernail on the glass and he turns tentatively towards me, opening the glass slowly. "I forgive you, Jet. If you'd like, you can join our group at lunch anytime. We could use a, uh," I glance at his tie and give an appreciative smile, "We could always use a Ravenclaw, and you seem like a nice guy."

He laughs shortly, seemingly caught off guard, "Then you've been fooled."

"I've been fooled before," I find myself saying, thinking of Draco once again. I remember my promise to myself to remove him from my life, and I smile at Jethro. "But I think I'm right about you." I give him a final wave and quick smile before rushing off towards the bleachers.

...

A cold wind hits me and I shiver mid-stride, stopping in my tracks. I glance up to the bleachers and it's quite literally almost every kid I know sitting all together. Dean and Seamus are talking among themselves, occasionally butting into Neville's conversation with Hermione and Viktor. Luna seems to be asleep, hugging Neville's arm to her chest, head lying against his shoulder. Oliver, Ron, and Oliver's girlfriend all seem to be on the opposite side of a debate with Ginny, George, and Fred. Interesting. I walk directly into the middle of all the groups, listening more to the debate to my left than anything.

"Harry could totally do it!" Oliver defends, looking at me. "Couldn't ya, Harry?"

I shrug, "I didn't hear the challenge."

"The twins and Ginny, here, say that you couldn't handle being the winger in the Tri Cup. They think you're off your game." Oliver laughs, hand shaking my shoulder, "but I know better! The fire in your eyes are brighter than ever! Aren't they, Ron?"

"Looking into another boy's eyes? Sounds kinda gay, mate. I'll pass." He jokes, taking a hard bat to the shoulder from Ginny.

"Let up, Gin," I tell her, grinning, "one more of those and your poor brother won't be able to play!"

Everyone laughs, including Ron who mutters a 'shove off, Harry' and Hermione gives me a hug around my shoulders as she masks her mouth against the shell of my ear with her hair, whispering in my ear, "He's coming this way."

I steel myself, I know exactly to whom she is referring to. My stomach flips uncomfortably. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I whisper that thought to her in her ear and she gives me a sad expression, pitying me.

"Harry, try not to let your anxiety get to you. I know it's hard but you've got to try." her voice shakes a little and I nod, stomach calming the slightest bit. 

"I know, thank you." I tell her, letting my eyes drift from her and to Draco, who quickly turns his gaze away.

I feel my heart sink. Maybe, deep down, he feels as heartbroken as I am. We had something great, but things stood in the way of that. Destined to fail. What a sad thought. Some dark, coaxing part of me- the part of me that wants to jump off a cliff and hit the rocks below to see what it feels like, the L'appel du vide I read about once- raises my hand and voice.

"Good luck out there, Draco! You need all the practice you can get!"

His face skews and twists, then he turns his face away.

I feel my chest hollow out as I breathe shakily, eyes too dry to shed any more tears. Hermione holds my hand and leans against my shoulder. I know everyone noticed what I did, how it made me feel,  but somehow I think they can tell I just need them as background noise so I don't feel so alone. The group continues speaking as if nothing happened. Luna is awake, she is turned towards me, and her eyes are trained on mine, she smiles knowingly.

"Breathe, little deer. Breathe." Luna whispers from in front of me.

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A.N.

Also, an appearance of an OC... god I don't wanna be THAT writer but I couldn't think of anyone in canon that this conversation would work for (seeing as most people have a filter between their brains and their mouths). Made this OC up in middle school. He basically looks like Eli from Degrassi but without the guyliner and older... so basically Munro Chambers in the 2013 black and white photoshoot (that for whatever reason I have never forgotten xD)

I will avoid bringing him up again unless I have to or it's just in passing cuz I can barely keep up with characters as it is. XD (edit: .... this author's note made a liar out of future-me)

...

In light of the recent orange-faced tragedy masquerading as a president, I figured I should upload this chap early and give you guys a bit of story to catch up with. I PROMISE I am close to being finished. Only 2-3 chaps left to write. Sorry it's taken me so long :/