Oh My Virginia

||twelve||

               

C h a p t e r T w e l v e

I pushed the swinging doors of the cafeteria open, seeing Chase lean against a locker. My eyes flicked to the digital clock that was hung up on the walls of the school, seeing how I only had about one and a half minutes left before students start piling out the cafeteria doors.

This needed to happen fast.

Honestly, I didn't even know what I was going to say to him. I just had this unexplainable rage that was spreading like wildfire, burning in my chest. I knew that I was a selfish person, I was never able to blame myself.

I just couldn't, if the day comes where I had no one else to blame but myself, I wouldn't be able to live knowing that I screwed up my own life. Previously, I had blamed my mother.

She was the reason dad left us.

She was the reason Chase was disgusted with me.

She was the reason why I'm so fucking sad all the time.

I had always blamed her and her job, even though I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that it's not her fault things turned out this way.

But if I didn't blame her.. then who could I blame? Myself?

I was far too selfish to allow that.

And right now, a small voice in my head was yelling, screaming at me not to make the same mistake of blaming someone else for my downfall.

But I ignored the voice, deciding not to blame myself, but to blame Chase instead.

If he had never asked me out, I would never have experienced such heartbreak and lose my best friend.

If he had never told me he loved me, I wouldn't have believed everything he said to me.

If he had never cheated on me, I wouldn't have resorted to degrading myself and screwing his teammates.

If he never met me, I wouldn't have lost Troye.

But the tiny, nagging voice at the back of my head refused to be ignored, needing to be heard so I wouldn't make the mistake of blaming someone other than myself.

If you weren't so naive, you wouldn't have gotten yourself into this mess.

Instead of convincing me that what I was about to do was ridiculous, that thought messed with my head and made me even angrier.

I stomped my way to Chase and saw his eyes light up in amusement, probably laughing at how stupid I looked: my hands were balled up in fists at my sides, my sweatpants were stained and I probably had the look of death on my face.

I could feel my heart beating erratically, sending adrenaline pumping through my veins.

Chase simply had a smirk etched onto his face, folding his arms over his chest as I stopped walking and stood in front of him, giving him a look which could only be described as hate.

Without thinking about what I was doing, I slapped my hand onto his chest.

I needed answers.

"Why did you do it?" I asked, my voice coming out strong and confident when all I wanted to do was crumple up and disappear at that second, my adrenaline suddenly disappearing. When Chase didn't respond and a dark look went over his eyes, I could only feel myself breaking down even more.

"Why, Chase? Was I not good enough for you?" The confidence in my voice had vanished and my voice cracked as I spoke the second half of the sentence, needing answers.