Day 1, december 16 2015

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DEAR ANYONE,
Why? What is going on with me? I'm stuck in a zone where I just don't care. It's getting bad. I'm not sure if I'm stable exactly. I smile and put in a show and go through life but I'm not sure if I can anymore. I'm supposed to be happy here. I switched towns and a foster family and a school. I've made friends! I even have on a guy! And it's a pretty big crush too! Ugh! Why is this happening to me! Why do I have to feel? I was fine not feeling until I met him. Then everything changed, my heart beats faster and I can't help but act like a complete fool around him and just smile. I'm getting better though, I can talk to him and touch him (not sexually). But liking him means that I feel, and that brings spurts of pain that I can't physically handle let alone mentally handle. Everyone says I'm so strong but really I'm just a coward who hides behind a mask. But now my major problem is that since I've been hiding and lying, I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know what to do! I wish I still had my mom. She'd hold me and tell me everything is ok. Or at least I would like my real mom! Because then I'd have a hope of living a normal life. I guess I'll talk to you guys tomorrow.

~ Julia. K. Giroux

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