Between Two Worlds (Wattys 2016)

Chapter 60

                 

 

„I gave away so much lately. Opened my heart to a stranger without thinking, what the consequences could be. I fell for appearance, for the first impression, which played a damn prank on me. I soon understood that this was wrong, totally wrong. But I couldn't help. I was addicted to a drug which made me feel alive just for the moment, but right after like a wreck. He enjoyed it.

 

Harry, after all what happened in those last few weeks, I can't get myself into more trouble. More pain. More loneliness. There is so much on my shoulders, which forces me to break down. Gravity supports. I can't handle anything anymore, and I'm the only one to blame. Only me. I shouldn't have let anyone in, into my heart, into my life. River kind managed to break a strong woman. How do you want to repair me?

 

 

Harry, lately I'm really thankful for your support, but please don't push my buttons. Don't make me feel uncomfortable.

You know, exactly that happened, what I've feared the most. Thinking I know all about love, but in fact I've met the opposite. I was a step in his plan, his marionette, and through me, River had the Might to practically destroy everything in my life.

I can't trust him anymore, ever and I'm glad he left. But he left with the statement, that I was never a toy to him. I do not know what to believe and not, so I decided to leave before he could catch me again. I know, you might think that's pathetic, but don't blame me, I was naïve. How the hell was I supposed to know how cruel someone could be? I didn't know River could be capable of something like that. 

I'm ashamed. I really am." I sob and for the first time since River left, I cry. I let my head fall on Harry's chest and let all the emotion out, I hid just so nobody could find out that Abigail Delilah Winters, is now a broken-hearted piece of shit. Vulnerable and lost.

Harry gently caresses my back, rubbing his hands up and down my spine, while I practically cry a river. Through all my sobbing I can't hear what he is mumbling in my ear.

I hate myself right now, I hate myself more than anything in the world, trusting a damn prick- I barely knew- and who took everything I've saved for myself. He managed to drag an innocent girl, who never did something worse than fighting with Aiden and sometimes arguing with my parents, into a place, a world I'd have avoided. It's my fault. It was me, who let him in, and give him the right to do whatever he wanted. It was me, who apologized for nothing, just not to lose a goddamned boy, who would have left me anyway. It was clear to him. Since the first day he met me. I'm sure he's laughing his fucking ass off, because he did it. Again.

I wrap my arms around Harry's neck, inhaling his cologne and not caring if someone looks at us or not. He was the only, the only one who knew about me and River, from the beginning. So he was also the only one who could help me out of here. Out of this mess, I got myself into.

Abby, you stupid naïve cow, couldn't you just use your brain before you let River into your pants?

Even Penny was clever enough and didn't give her V card to Jack, even though they've known each other for years. But no, stupid Abby had to give her V card away – says the inner voice which keeps insulting me for being so easy-to get. 

And now I'm sobbing, crying like there is no tomorrow – not because Rive left, or that he played me – but that I made it too easy for him to come in and out in my life. Just the same he got in and out in my pants.

„Sshh, hey, beautiful, it wasn't your fault. You couldn't see it. See his face. His real face. Don't let yourself down, because no one from your family and friends wants to see you like this. I know, you had to put up with loads of shit, you had to hide your first relationship, first boyfriend, but now it's over. It's finally over, he left and I'm sure he won't come back. I know that ass won't dare to come back. I promise. I won't let anyone make you feel this way again, because now I'm here. I won't judge you whatever you did, because I know, you hadn't much of a choice. I also know these kinds of boys and how disgusting and disrespectful they are. But trust me; I will never ever make you feel this way . Just, please don't push me away. I can't stand to see the distance in your eyes towards me. Don't push me away; all I want is to mend all your broken pieces. Trust me I won't leave, I won't play like that bastard. Just give a sign, say a word, and give a signal I don't know what, but something that shows me that you won't run away from me. Just stay.

You can't believe how hard it was for me; knowing you've left without saying a single word. I thought you'd be at Diana's flat, but you weren't. And don't ask me where I know these stuffs.  I don't know how you feel about it, but I know how I feel about it.

I need you more than anything I have. Please" he says, while I stare at him, totally paralyzed with my wet cheeks, not sure what to say or what to react," don't leave me behind. Don't delete me out of your mind, just as you did by getting a new number and not giving me a sign that you might be alive.

Honestly, I begged Penny day and night to give me your number, and I was sure she wanted to give it to me, but somehow you managed to shut her off. Please" he begs and for a moment –which felt like years – I forgot everything. The suffer and pain River caused with his aggressive behavior, his body, the way he made me feel, the arguments, the deal, my mother, the announcement of Diana's and Martin's wedding – which is actually a wonderful event, but I wished I could have so much luck like my sister – the pain Penny had to suffer from Jack, Angel, her childhood friend who bumped her at prom, all these things flashed through my mind before Harry talked, but now it seems like I've forgotten all these things. I just stare at his piercing green eyes and the way pain, horror, fear and something else is written in it. Is it love? Is it pity?

Three weeks. Three weeks ago I've found out everything about River and his shitty plan. Few days later, after I left, Martin told me that River left. He wondered why, but I knew it. At first I couldn't tell anyone, and it sucked to be me at that time.

Three weeks.  Penny was totally against that idea, that I isolate myself from everyone but Will, who is always understanding even though curiosity nags on him like crazy, managed to change her mind. He is a patient human. I promised them, I would message them every day, or at least every second day. Or third.

I've told Diana and Martin everything about River's plan. I didn't tell the sex parts, but the way I fell for him, and by the look I got from them, I knew they were judging me. They didn't voice their thoughts – thankfully- but they were disappointed and angry. Disappointed and beyond than angry on River, but I knew the consequences all along. I begged them not to tell anybody else and so I lived a few days in their apartment, while I was packing my things from home to move in into Greg's apartment.

Three weeks. Three weeks later, I'm standing on the street at night, as the cold wind hits my bare legs, making me shiver, next to the curly headed one and I'm feeling the warmth he sends through me just by touching my shoulders, forcing me to look him in the eyes.

It's normal. Nearly every girl meets at least one boy, where she thinks he is the right one, but it comes out he isn't at all.

It's normal and it doesn't mean that life is over. It should go on. Everyone makes mistakes, big ones, and small ones. But at the end, we learn something from it, which we'll always remember.

After three weeks I found the strength to close that dark, selfish and dirty chapter with River and open another one.

Three weeks later, in the arms of the curly headed named 'Harry'.  

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