CAROLINE'S POV
My mother's letters only seemed to go so far nowadays. Two hours ago I had impulsively torn open the second to last envelope that read, "open when you miss me". I was saddened by the letter, as usual, but some part of me that was usually content after reading one of her letters still felt empty.
In my imagination there is an envelope out there somewhere that reads, "open when you get adopted", and tucked away inside is a handwritten letter from my mom with advice scrawled all over the pages. How was she to know that only ten years after her passing her husband would go too?
Even deeper into my imagination there's an envelope titled, "open when you miss your new mom because she's busy promoting her new chart topping album and sold out world tour". But again, she couldn't have predicted how immensely different my life is now compared to what it was.
I concluded that the reason I still felt a little empty was because as the years went on the letters I got to open on special events or on my birthday got a little more vague. It's understandable though, she died when I was five, it would have been a little easier for her to write a letter to six year old me than sixteen year old me.
Still, I missed her more than words could say. Even though reading her letters to me was a blessing in itself, I wished more than anything she could be here and see what my life has become.
These somber thoughts circulated around my head as if in a whirlpool for half an hour as I stared off into space. I was snapped back into reality when there was a knock on the apartment door. It was 6pm and I was in New York City in Taylor and I's apartment. Taylor got up to get the door, revealing Karlie and Austin on the other side. She let them in and they all made small talk. Austin and Karlie both greeted me with gentle hellos and their eyes were filled with knowingness and sympathy. It was New Year's Eve, or to me, the anniversary of my mom's death. I assumed Taylor had forewarned them because of the way they were tiptoeing around touchy subjects and cautiously eyeing me as they tried to make lighthearted conversation.
Taylor had planned only a small New Year's Eve party with the four of us. I came with her to New York instead of staying in Nashville with Asher and my friends because of what today was. I couldn't not have Taylor on a day like today.
Soon Taylor took supper out of the oven and we all sat around the table eating and talking. I distracted myself by getting lost in their conversations about the music industry, the fashion world, and film-making. They were all really making a name for themselves in their respective careers. I thought about the simple life I'd always dreamed of living, and as it turns out, my ambitions aren't near as high as theirs. But that wasn't always a bad thing. My dad wasn't rich or famous, but he sacrificed his life for his country. My mom wasn't rich or famous, but she spent her career teaching students. And there I was again, full circle, trying to distract myself from my mom and then ending up back at her.
I think Taylor noticed the distant look in my eye because after we'd finished eating she offered for all of us to go into the living room. We sat down on the couches and Austin began telling a story as he propped his feet up on the coffee table. I looked down to my phone as he spoke and saw a new message from Asher on my screen. We had been texting off and on all day, but in this one he asked if he could ask me a question. I said sure and then watched for the response.
"Do you ever find it kind of weird that you and Taylor are always together?" His message lit up on my screen.
"No? Why?" I asked, not knowing why this topic always had to come up.
"Well the two of you are always away going places, I mean it's New Year's Eve and you're spending it with her while me and all your friends are back here. I don't know, it's just a little strange that you guys are always hanging out and she's like 26 and you're 16." He replied. The conversation going on in the room was now just background sound to all this.
"Asher, it's not like she's just an older friend who flies me around the world just so I won't get to spend time with my boyfriend. She's my mom. I live with her, she takes care of me. I'm sorry, but you asking me this is like me asking why you are always living in your parents house... it's because their your parents." I responded, trying to get some sense into him.
Although his next reply was a little shorter, it's the one that hurt the most.
"Okay, but that's just the thing, she isn't your mom..." My eyes had started to sting and I looked up at the lights so hey wouldn't form tears. I don't even know why he was trying to pick this fight with me when I am in the situation I'm in. Especially today.
I read the message and left it unanswered. I just locked my phone and looked around at everyone talking, trying to seem like I wasn't on the brink of tears.
"So Care, how's school going?" Karlie asked me at a break in the conversation.
"Pretty good." I automatically answered. Austin and Karlie then started discussing college since Karlie is at NYU and Austin just graduated college last spring. I glanced down at my phone to see another message on my screen from Asher.
"I'm sorry but we both know that it's the truth." You could tell by the tone of the message that his apology wasn't sincere. I excused myself into the bathroom and when I was safely behind the door I let a few tears flow out of my eyes. It had already been a bad day and he knew that. Now he had to make it worse by arguing with me about a topic that he knew would make me angry and more sad. I allowed myself a few more moments of sadness before I wiped my eyes and tried to make myself seem like I wasn't just crying.
But suddenly the bathroom door opened and Taylor was standing there, watching my wipe my red rimmed eyes.
"Are you okay?" She said quietly like this is what she expected to see.
I immediately started crying again and soon I told her that Asher was arguing with me and telling me that she wasn't my mom. Taylor seemed to understand why it upset me so much on a day like today.
Taylor gently wrapped her arms around me and swayed back and forth in a hug. About a minute passed when she reached down in the cabinet under the sink and pulled out a make up bag.
"He should have never done that to you, you don't deserve that. So now you are going to leave this bathroom and have a good New Year's Eve without thinking about him or what he thinks about you or me." She said as she unzipped that bag and started applying concealer to my blotchy face.
So I took her advice. I tried my hardest to forget about what he had said. I laughed and I talked with Taylor, Karlie, and Austin without feeling bad about not being with Asher. I even let go of any thoughts of my mother for the night. And when the ball dropped at midnight no bad memories lingered in the back of my mind about my mom's death. It was 2016. And at that point of happiness I decided that I should surround myself with people that truly made me happy. Asher did make me happy most of the time, but not times like tonight. Taylor made me happy all the time. And even if Asher didn't like the fact that I was always hanging out with Taylor I was going to keep hanging out with Taylor, she was my mom.
