Phan oneshots

Why'd you leave me?

(Edited 12/1/17 I suggest reading the painter and the poet to see how I actually write. Or maybe the music boy...)

Word count: 857.

Description: basically based off the song above, it's about Phil dying and how Dan copes.

Warnings: death, suicide, cheesy poems, bad quotes, terrible writing and everything else.

Play the song while reading for full effect!

***

It has been 6 months. I'd give anything to see you standing by my side again. I just can't believe it, all you ever did was make me feel complete. Everything you have ever done has only made me feel good. I wish I could see you again.

My life is pointless without you. All I ever seem to do anymore is cry. I can't believe you're gone.

There is a difference between saying goodbye and letting go. Goodbye is not permanent. You can meet years later as old friends and share what happened in your life. You can smile and laugh about all the nonsense that you both went through. However, letting go is being okay with never seeing this person ever again...

Being okay with never knowing how their life might have turned out...

Being okay with years of silence. This is the part of life that doesn't sit well with me and never will. It tears my heart in pieces, robs me of gratitude, drains me of anything positive and eats at the faith that holds on. It goes against kindness.

With my last breath, I'll exhale my love for you. I hope it's a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me.

It's true, I am afraid of dying. I am afraid of the world moving forward without me, of my absence going unnoticed, or worse, being some natural force propelling life on. Is it selfish? Am I such a bad person for dreaming of a world that ends when I do? I don't mean the world ending with respect to me, but every set of eyes closing with mine.

I don't really care. I shouldn't have to care. I shouldn't have to work this hard. I realize now that dying is easy. Living is hard.

Why did you leave? Was I not good enough? I loved you more than you ever believed.

I tried. I really did. Six months waking up in the empty apartment.

Sometimes I forget you are gone. I still put out an extra mug when making tea, or go to your room to ask if you want to order a pizza and watch the walking dead. But then I realise. And I cry. I have never cried so much in my life.

I wonder if anyone will miss me? Will anyone come to my funeral? Will they bring flowers to morn for me? People rarely bring flowers to a suicide.

Living is too hard right now. Dying is easy. I can finally be happy again.

All I want and all I need is to find you again. To see your beautiful eyes. All shades of blue and green with tiny yellow specks. To see your beautiful shiny black hair. Remember when you dyed it blue?

Do you remember our radio show? And when we released our book? And our tour? All our fans were so exited about that...

Our fans.

They were so upset when I released the video about your death. I couldn't keep doing YouTube, it was killing me. All I could think about was you.

I haven't left the flat since your death. I still remember it like it was yesterday. Your limp body on the ground... I screamed and screamed and broke down. I stopped eating and talking, I just sat on my bed staring at the wall....

I can't function without you.

My life is becoming harder and harder to live without you by my side.

That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want.

We are all dying, so why not just end it a bit earlier?

I am dying: it's a beautiful word. Like the long slow sigh of the cello: dying. But the sound of it is the only beautiful thing about it.

I want this. I don't want anyone to cry over my death. I want everyone to go on and live their lives without me...

You know, I saw a poem a while ago. It was called: "Not until I met you."

"Not until I felt your sunshine,
Did I realize that I had been in the shade.
Not until I saw all your colors,
Did I realize that mine had faded.
Not until I heard your dreams,
Did I realize that I was still sleeping.
And not until I experienced my life with you,
Did I realize that I was barely
Breathing."

But what if your sun doesn't shine anymore?

What if your colours have all faded to black and white?

What if your dreams are nothing anymore? Just black?

What if I cant experience my life with you anymore?

You were all I had.
And I will see you again.

I love you Phil.