5437 |l.h

• T H R E E •

T H R E E
Broken

I walked until I heard the ocean on the background. Then I walked even more to reach the sand. When my face felt the salty breeze I felt that I could breathe for the first time since I left Australia.

I dug my toes in the warm sand and closed my eyes remembering about the beach trip in Sydney. Those two and a half days felt like forever, like no matter what happened next we'd be fine because we had each other.

But we didn't.

Now I'm pregnant with a baby I didn't even wanted until now. Now Luke is far away doing God knows what, no, actually I know what's he's doing: breaking my heart.

Yes, it's very bitchy of me to say those things when I left him on the first place. Maybe that's my destiny, love people from a distance. I've got a glimpse of love brushing against my skin and I burned that love to the ground. Maybe I don't deserve love because I haven't managed to love myself and probably never will.

I sigh frustrated with my situation. I sit on the sand and people walk by looking at me. Boys stare and I can't help but imagine what they think I am. They see a beautiful girl with deep blue eyes and waved brown hair. They see beauty and a precious skin. Little they know how broken I am inside. That's the problem of looking gracious, no one expect you to be fucked up, no one see through the cracks. No, I'm lying.

Luke did. Luke unravaled my fussy head, my broken heart and my dark soul. He turned me upside down and made me stare myself on the mirror and I was loving the reflection.

I didn't even know I had bring my phone till it buzzed in my pocket. I see a number I don't recognize but I know its Luke

My slim finger presses the green button and I bring my courage to speak

"Hello?" I mutter feeling like my voice is fading away even when I try my best

"Liza, I" he says but stops to sigh "I-I um" he gags then gives up.

We stay in silence for minutes, just listening to each others breathing. I hear Luke cleaning his throat to speak

"Why'd you leave?" He says all at once, like if he hesitate for one more second he'd lose the courage to speak

"I had to" I bite my lower lip

"Care to elaborate?"

I sigh and try to fandom my words together, I don't want to lie but the truth isn't pleasant.

"I was scared" I try to start "And heartbroken by our last argument"

"So you thought it gave you the absolute right to run away with my baby?" He sounds upset. Thats understanding. He must've called Mike and Mike told him bout the baby and gave him my number.

"Well, I couldn't run away without it could I?"

"Liza" he says as a warning

"Listen, we could argue for days like we used to, at the end I will be right because you'll get too tired to yell so lets fast foward that drama and you can tell me why a whore picked up your phone earlier" Words just float out of my mouth without being processed by my brain

"Wait what?" He sounds confuse "Whore?"

"I think you call her Olivia, but in my side of the world we'll address her as Whore"

"Olivia is just a friend" he says blunt 

"Yeah, and I'm not carrying your baby" I roll my eyes. Half of me wants to forget all of this and try again, but my other half knows that history will repeat itself. 

I'll lie and he'll believe then he will lie and I will desperately believe.

"Liza stop, you have no right to throw this tantrum on me right now" he argues 

"You're right" I admit "Please don't call me again, I thought I was ready to reach you out and talk things but I'm not" 

"Wait what? You can't cut me off again!" He yells "We'll have a baby! I will be there for you, Liza" he says running out of breath 

"No, not yet" I rush to say "I can't see you right now, I need more space between us"

"Oh come on!" he sounds annoyed "You know, I'm so sick of you dictating our next moves! We always do what you want, you always hold the last word! What about me? I don't get a say on this matter?"

"Cheaters always lose" the words slip out of my mouth 

"Liza" he whispers "Don't say things like this. You gave me no choice! I had to move on!" he shouts "I can't be always the only one stuck on this love, you vanished away and was I supposed to mourn your absence?"

I swallow my words, I know he has a point. I can't expect him to keep living like I was there.

"For all that matters, I love you" he admits. I can't bring my walls down, not now. I can't neither drag him to this mess again until I figure myself out

"Please don't call again, I'll make sure you stay updated on the baby's health but do not reach me again" my voice is so serious and cold, I have to control myself or else I'll screw things up again

"Liza, stop putting space between us" he sighs 

"I'm serious, I cannot handle with all of that right now. I have to stay good and clean for our child. Our love hurts and I won't let our painful love reach this baby" I close my eyes to feel the tears rolling down. I hear him sigh on the other end, like he's crying too 

"Fine, I will love you from here then" he mutters

"And I will find a way not to love you" I rush my words so I can hang up.

Now is time to mend this broken heart of mine back together with my love for my baby, I'll find a way to be a good mom, to keep this child safe and loved. The worst part of being broken inside is that you never feel like fixing yourself because nothing really matters and when you do find something worthy of fighting for, you second doubt yourself thinking these broken pieces will never be good enough. 

But you try anyways.