don't let me go

lexie

Being a girl in a Latino familia isn't as I would say "easy". Especially when you're the only chica and are surrounded by your three  brothers annoying the shit out of you everyday. It was easier when mi'ama was still here. She kept the familia together. 

I wake up to the sound of banging on my door. It feels like my head is going to explode. I don't remember coming home yesterday. I was probably too wasted, that's what always happens since mi'ama died. This morning is no different. 

Todays the first day of my senior year. I should graduate in June, but i'm not 100 percent sure anymore it'll happen. It's not that I'm stupid, I mean, I guess I'm decent, I get B's in most of my classes. But I don't have that good of a reputation and it all goes back to when mi'ama left us. I know she wouldn't want me to do what I do because of her but I'm messed up. 

I need to get out of my bed otherwise my brother Aaron will probably kick the shit out of me. He's still banging on the door yelling for me to get out. I don't know, I guess it's kind of a routine every morning. He comes to wake me up even on the weekends to make sure I get out of bed and do something with my life. I should be grateful, and I'm sure deep inside I am but they aren't my parents. Mi papá is never home, when he's not working he's drinking, depressed or sleeping so I guess I know who I got that from. 

In the kitchen my twin brother Caleb and my oldest brother Alejandro are eating breakfast whilst Aaron is drinking a smoothie. He's always been the fit one in my familia although my other brothers are not too badly sculpted either, and I guess I got the genes too because whatever I eat I don't gain weight. 

Alejandro turn's around as I enter, "where were you last night? You know you have school today." he says looking at me as if I hurt him. I would pretend I don't hear him but that would make him even more hurt and even though I don't show it I still care about them. I open the refrigerator as I answer "la playa, ¿por qué?"

"seriously lexie, we called you like 50 times and you never answered. We got scared you know. Bad things happen in this part of the city. Why didn't you answer?" I can feel that he's pissed off by the way he talks. He's not only pissed off, he's disappointed and I can feel it through the air that he's no the only one.

"Maybe cuz I wanted to get pissed and not think about anything, and your voices would have just ruined the fun I was having." I say even though I know I wasn't having fun and the only reason I didn't answer was because I was in a guys pants. "Well thanks for waking me, can I just go back to sleep, my head hurts like hell. And if I'm just here for you guys to give me a lesson I should have probably stayed where I was last night and never come back."

Okey, I was harsh, I don't know what goes through my mind in moments like that but I can't stop. It's an emotional guard I wrap all around myself to stop feeling and caring. Because yeah, I care, I care too much and it's killing me, but I can't show it because If I do, I will be vulnerable and emotional, and I don't want that. I can't do that, not anymore. 

"you're going to school so be ready in 10 minutes or you'll be late and there's no arguin'. I'll drive you" Alejandro says as he gets up to make coffee. I have my driving license but he wants to make sure I actually go to school. 

As I get ready to go the only though that goes through my mind is that I need to get my life back on track. I can't keep denying the fact that mi'ama is dead and I need to get over it, I already wasted the whole summer crying, drinking, smoking and making out with strangers. I though it would help me cope with the pain of loosing her. We all coped in different ways. Mi papá drowned himself in work and alcohol, Alejandro drowns himself in books and college work, Aaron drowns himself in sports and working out and caleb drowns himself in his relationship, and in getting a scholarship.  

Caleb already left to pick up his girlfriend Kendall, they always stick together, it makes me want to puke. They're popular and everyone likes them. Caleb is the king of high school, I don't know how, usually only white kids get that. Well, Caleb probably became as white as his girlfriend. I'm more with the Latinos. They're more like me.

School was torture, as I knew it would be. Directly when I arrived there this black Porsche parked next to me. The guy looked so cocky and annoying. He was hot yeah, blue eyes, tanned, brown hair, hot body, but ugh I couldn't stand these rich bastards. Not that we were super poor, we still lived on the poor side of the city though. Then my brother didn't want to leave me, and then in school all the teachers kept on saying they were sorry and that if I did't want to do something I just had to say it. I can't stand people who have pity for me. Nothing can bring her back anyway so don't say you're fucking sorry. Puta! And then when I came home it wasn't better. My two older brothers were on my back. Alejandro literally locked me in my room so that I would leave to get drunk. They said it was for my "good".

I hear Aaron knock on the door than walk in. "finally someone to be my night in shining armor and let me leave this tower" I saw mockingly. Aaron doesn't look amused, he has two plates in his hands. He doesn't look like he's going to let me leave my room. "I'm not here to let you leave, I just though I'd eat with you instead of leaving you alone and I wanted to check on you. Sabes que sólo queremos que sea feliz. Te amos." Is he kidding me, he wants me to be happy. It's not by locking me in my room that I'll be happy. Just let me leave. I can't do this anymore. I already ruined my chances at a good life. "yeah whatever." I say as I take the plate and sit on my bed. He sits on my desk chair. Only now I realize he looks older that before mi'amas death. He's only 19 but acts like a dad, he should be going out, drinking, having fun with his college friends but instead of that he's going to college, then working in a bar until 10 and then coming home. When he's not doing that he's working out or taking care of me. That when I realize. I'm acting like a baby. I should be able to take care of myself, I'm 17. My brothers shouldn't have to always take care of me. They should go out with their friends and have fun. They're too young to act like that. They work their heads of to be able to put food on the table. Even Caleb had a summer job. And what did I do? I fucking got drunk ever night. I hate myself. What did I do. I used to be kind, gentle, caring and over one person my whole world turned upside down and I became a pendejo.

We don't talk whilst we're eating and once he leaves I fall asleep.