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I just don't wanna be so many things
"Do you miss it?"
That what is the question that constantly orbited around Joshua's brain. He never did say it out loud though; at least not until now. They were two months into their newfound friendship and Josh really did not want to fuck it up with some stupid question he might've conjured in his mind, but it seems that he couldn't hold his tongue any longer. So he asked, shamelessly at first, as if he deserved to know, but thinking about it now Josh felt guilty as soon as the words fell from his mouth. His first instinct was to apologize immediately, so he did.
Over.
And over.
And over again.
He said sorry a million times. However, it wasn't clear to him whether or not she accepted or ignored his apologies. Not because she couldn't physically answer, but because all that the pretty girl in front of him could do was think absentmindedly.
She reached in her purse for a tiny white board she had grown accustomed to carry around whenever she was with Josh, the one that he had bought her at the early stages of their budding friendship.
It was simple, you know? Josh insisted that they didn't speak out loud for most of the time they spent together because, well, he wanted to hear her, but most of all he wanted to feel like they stood on leveled ground. Josh tried his best to imagine what it might be like for her the same way we attempt at understanding what the tortured minds of other people are like, except this was much more literal.
'Yes' she wrote with her red Expo marker.
Josh didn't know why he would expect anything different; its not like her voice was something that would've been easy to lose. It wasn't simple like dyeing one's hair or cutting it, and although people believe it be extremely personal to do such alterations they were purely external.
She kept writing under, 'and no'
This really confused Josh so he encouraged Gale to elaborate.
'I like to listen.'
Now that's something Joshua could understand. He was so used to sitting back and watching all the shows go back without putting any more input than the drums to their performances, but he never felt discouraged. He liked to admire the way in which Tyler sang and spoke to their fans, all from the sidelines.
He took the red marker from her soft hands, 'I can appreciate that; I'm the same way.' He leaned over to hand her the marker and white board, but suddenly decided that his statement was not clear and didn't want Gale to think he believed to understand what it felt like to be mute. He pressed the white board against the tightness of his jeans as he wrote, 'What I meant to say is that I enjoy listening to people.'
She grabbed the utensils, 'I'm sorry I you can't listen to me; as coincided as that may sound.'
Her words were clear and although Josh couldn't exactly hear them he could tell from that they were really saddening to her.
'Talking is over-rated anyway.' Joshua wrote down in red. This made her smile genuinely, something that didn't happen very often as Josh came to notice.
"May I ask something that could potentially be personal?" He said out loud with a cautious, soft voice.
Gale shrugged, not really knowing what to expect.
And now that I see I just wanna sing, I just wanna breathe.
"What's the worst part about being mute?"
Gale could've told him about hating what the deep moans and grunts at the back of her throat she believed made her sound inhumane. She could've mentioned her fear of suffocation and being left behind with no one to notice; or care. And she considered telling the curious redhead, but didn't.
'I used to sing, it's how I used to express myself.' She wrote down simply.
Josh tried picturing it: He imagined the same girl with a microphone in hand, an unfaltering smile across her lips, and blonde hair fanning over her small shoulders as she sang excitedly. Joshua wondered what she liked to sing about and what her favourite songs were. They've discussed music briefly before but never elaborated too much on it. What he did know was that she liked a variety of things such as Foster The People, Bon Iver, and Blink-182. A smile made its way across his face when Josh remembers that she liked his music - she had to. They met at his concert, besides, she made that clear in other occasions.
You could tell by the sudden happiness that suddenly rushed through his veins that suddenly had an idea.
Forgetting whatever boundaries Josh believed existed he briskly took hold of Gale's hand and lifted her off the beige couch she was sitting on. He pulled her hurriedly across the living room to all the way to the other side of the house in such an exciting, thrilling it felt as if they were two kids playing tag.
I just wanna fly, I just wanna close my eyes, and take in the sun and take in the air.
On the far side of his home, Josh introduced Gale to his way of self expression- his drums. He sat excitedly on his seat and habitually placed his foot behind his kick drum and took the sticks with both hands. The petite girl found herself in awe with the redhead. She had seen him play live before, but it had no comparison to what it was like to have him so close.
"This is my way of self expression," Josh kept on playing a soft beat and finally stopped, "the way I sing you could say."
I just wanna run and murder my care.
She walked over to the keyboard that was pressed against the dark wall as Josh picked the beat back up. She recognized the song he played as Holding Onto You, so she played along with him. It wasn't much of anything really, just an excerpt from the track's bridge. Gale didn't know how to play the piano, it was just something she happened to learn whenever she stared getting into their music.
On the other side of the room Josh stared in her direction, imagining what was going through her mind. He ignored all the times that she would press the wrong key, play a chord too early, or wouldn't even follow along with the redhead at all. She couldn't sing anymore and it was captivating that she tried even if her hands weren't skillful in such manner.
I wanna believe that I will be free as air.
Josh kept hoping that somehow by playing what he believed was a jagged and aggressive aspect of music she would find herself enchanted by his talents and forget about her inability to sing.
He kept wishing he she could some how forget that aspect about herself that made her undeniably different and uninterested in herself.
Kept praying that Gale could see him half as brilliantly as Josh admired her.
Over.
And over.
And over again.
YOU ARE READING
Talk Me Down | Josh Dun
Fanfiction|Short Story| She was a person. One that listened because she couldn't voice anything at all. However, what you don't see is that much like all of us she had inner thoughts; aren't those the ones that really count?
