The Unconditional Pledge

16 Jay

After seeing the flyers of Hannah and I posted everywhere around school, I knew I had two options: stick around and joke it off, or basically flee the scene. I was in no mood to do the former, so I ended up starting the walk back to my house the moment I heard the crowd gathering in the soccer field. The flyers, I soon realized, had made it everywhere: on peoples' windshields, balled up in trash cans, even scattered in the wind past the local Starbucks. Whoever printed those out has obviously gone through a lot of effort to expose either my pledge or Hannah's, but it hasn't worked, at least not yet — nobody's connected the dots.

I decide to take a walk around my neighborhood to try and clear my head. It helps at first, to breathe in the fresh air and not have to talk to anyone, and before I know it, the sky's already growing dark. I start to walk back home but realize I'm now at least twenty minutes away. I keep walking until I hear gravel crunching behind me. Three girls occupy the car: one blonde, one brown-haired with a pink stripe, and one black-haired. The window rolls down, although it isn't Courtney or Hannah who does it. "Hey. Need a ride?"

I consider my options. My house is still a good ten minutes away, and at this point I'm facing a heat stroke. "Don't mind if I do."

I tug at the door, but it doesn't budge. Courtney stares at me for a beat, her eyes angry. I sigh inwardly. "Plan on letting me in at some point, Court?"

Looking at her now makes me relive junior year all over again: Courtney had told Juliby she had a crush on me, Juliby had told Megan, Megan told Ashton who told me, and Nick had pressured me into finally asking her out. It was a short relationship, and the only one I'd had with a girl. The entire time we'd dated I'd felt out of place and awkward. I felt no attraction towards her, not even in the slightest, and it was a massive relief when I'd finally come out.

But as Courtney unlocks the door and I climb in, it occurs to me that maybe she doesn't feel the same way. Only now do I realize that maybe it's because she isn't pissed off, but hurt. "Thanks for the ride," I finally say when I'm in the car.

Only Ava answers. "No problem. You looked like you needed one."

The car lapses back into silence. I finally can't resist myself and glance next to me. I haven't talked to Hannah since this afternoon's mess. I had planned on messaging her at some point. Hannah taps away on her phone, and I start to say something when she murmurs, "Don't," so I close my mouth again.

"Fine," I say. Then, more quietly, I add, "It's not something to be embarrassed about, you know."

She doesn't look up. "I said, don't."

I think about her expression on the football field, when everybody found out that I was her first kiss, and feel my lungs deflate a little. I feel bad. Horrible, actually, that I'd taken her first kiss.

The car idles to a stop outside of my house, the precise spot where Hannah had once spied on me from the car window. I hop out, waving goodbye, even though nobody is paying attention to me. Hannah finally looks up when the car starts to drive away, and even from here, I can tell her eyes are glistening. I turn and quietly make my way back into my house.

"Jay? Is that you?"

I slam the door closed behind me and kick off my shoes. "Yeah, it's me, mom."

Veronica Kaden is somewhat of a celebrity among wealthy families in Fieldbrook, and will do anything to keep it that way. She's been like this as long as I can remember — even after I'd come out, I can recall the steely look she'd gotten in her eye. I knew she was less upset about my actual sexuality than the fact that she had to figure out a way to do damage control for her and my dad's reputation. And that, I guess, is a pretty accurate summary of how our relationship goes.