All I Never Wanted

Chapter 22

The following two weeks proved to be brutal.  Even though Annie’s body did adjust to the increased intensity of her training the day always ended in fatigue.  She spent an hour before practice teaching Kim the basics of swimming both freestyle and the back stroke.  The first couple of sessions had been just as weird and awkward as expected but eventually Annie felt the tension ease as they focused on Kim’s illness and not their shared history with Luke.

Underneath the perpetually perky cheerleader that Kim had always presented was actually a girl insecure about herself and her place in the world.  Cheering had been the only place she knew she fit in and did well.  Without that she felt like she was learning all over who she was really supposed to be. Getting diagnosed with cancer had made her realize just how much more life had to offer and now she feared not being able to experience it.

Annie had to admit that, though she’d never disliked the old Kim, she was growing to care about the new one. 

They sat on the edge of the pool Wednesday evening, their feet dangling in the water, both lost in their own thoughts.  The swim team would start to arrive shortly but by an unspoken agreement they were soaking up the peace and quiet before going their separate ways.

Annie glanced over at Kim, wondering what was going through her mind and if it ever didn’t have something to do with her cancer.

“You know, Kim, I really am sorry that my friendship with Luke led to your break up.  I never once thought about putting the moves on him or stealing him away from you.”

Kim looked over at Annie with a grin, obviously amused by her apology.  “I never thought you did.  I never viewed you as competition.  And I’m not angry, at least not anymore.  He loves you in a way that he never did me.  I see the way you look at him, the way you act around him.  The two of you have something that we never did.  I’m perfectly okay with that.  Losing Le-, Luke, is the least of my worries now.”

Annie nodded, feeling relieved that the girl didn’t seem to hold a grudge.  “No, I guess it wouldn’t be.  I just wanted you to know that anyway.”

Kim sighed, glancing around the natatorium before speaking again.  “Now I go to bed at night praying I’ll open my eyes the next morning.”

Annie felt her heart constrict, a quick stabbing pain that pierced from front to back as she thought about what it would be like to go to sleep at night afraid you won’t wake up in the morning.  A lump formed in her throat and began to burn as tears formed. On impulse she reached out and took Kim’s hand, giving it a small squeeze.

“I hurt for you.  I can only imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes and that’s enough to scare the bejeebers out of me.  I know you must be scared but so far I’ve only seen your determination to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.  I could only hope to have that kind of strength in this situation.”

Kim gave a short laugh but Annie saw the tears glistening in her eyes too.  “I don’t feel strong.  Some days I’m so scared it hurts to breath.  I get so terrified my body shakes like I have the chills.”  She looked up at Annie, letting her tears fall.  It was the first time Annie had ever seen her cry.

“I just want it to go away.” She whispered.

Annie had no response, no words to make it better or ease the pain.  So she let her own tears fall and reached an arm around Kim’s shoulder, drawing the other girl closer.  It was the only comfort Annie could offer and for now it seemed to be just what Kim needed.

* * * * * * * * * *

Despite the grueling practice and the need to concentrate on her diving technique Annie’s mind still drifted back to that brief moment with Kim earlier that evening.  The fear in her eyes haunted Annie to the point that’s all she saw the whole time she lifted in the weight room.