Journal [Ryden]

1.

I knew that being with Dallon was probably the most absurd thing I could do. I knew how he got when he was angry, and knew what he did when he was angry, but I still believed I loved him, and that he loved me.

I knew it was dangerous and being in the household with him was putting my life in danger, but I didnt care. My life didnt have a purpose whatsoever, so I let him control it.

I allowed him to look through my phone, check my messages and calls. I allowed him to watch my diet so I didnt get 'too fat'. I allowed him to pick out what I wear, and allowed him to limit the time I'm outside.

I allowed all of that because I loved him, and I believed he was doing it for the best.

I believed him when he apologised after hitting me, and when he blamed it on the alcohol or drugs he was consuming. But he stopped saying sorry after a while, and made me say sorry, though I didnt know what I did wrong.

I said sorry if I woke up late. I said sorry if his meals were not cooked properly. I said sorry if I stayed out later than I'm allowed. I said sorry if I did one thing he did not like, no matter how small it was.

I was continuously apologising, and 'I'm sorry' was probably the only two words I ever spoke.

Being with him for 6 years was like growing up all over again. He did things my mother would have done, like feed me, dress me, bathe me. But it wasnt out of love.

I believed I was always in the wrong, and that I was ugly, and fat, and useless. Because that's what he said to me.
His insults hurt at first, and I remember every one of them. But I got used to it. I let him get to me.

I let him call me a whore, and a slut. I let him call me a waste of space, a faggot.

I let him do whatever he wanted. And that wasnt what I should have done, but I couldnt fight back.

He took that for granted.