My Selfish Desire

Five ~Baz~

The image of Snow watching Stainton's voice being torn from her vocal chords left a knife in my chest. The sheer, grotesque fear plastered on his face changed all of his features. The only color in his face were the army of freckles across his cheeks and nose. His blue eyes were wide and filled with terror, but when he looked at me, they brimmed with anger and knowing.
He knew for sure I did it. He didn't know how, but he was determined to find out.
The recorder in my pocket felt like it had put on thousands of kilos and was about to drag me down to the centre of the Earth. I suppose I would have a place in hell for this, or at least be kicked out of Watford. (Is there a place in hell for sucking people's voices out in front of Simon?)
(I meant Snow. Not Simon. My mistake.)
(No, nevermind, I like Simon.)
(Not as a person. I meant the name.)

(Maybe.)

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Fiona wasn't as upset as I thought she would be when I met her in the catacombs. She just put the recorder in her back pocket as if it were nothing, that she hadn't poured hours upon hours of spells into it.
"We'll get him next time, Baz. Don't worry about it."
Unable to find my voice, I nodded to acknowledge her. She momentarily hugged me with one arm.
"I'll see you later, Baz. Go get some sleep for Christ's sake. You look like a vampire." She pulled out her wand and cast a teleportation spell of her own strange creation. "Beam me up, Scotty." I hate Star Trek.
The scene replayed through my head over again. Stainton falling to her knees, a wretched squeal escaping her. Snow watching helplessly.
I almost did that to Simon.
A lump rose from my stomach to my throat. My eyes began to burn with what may have been tears. I almost hurt my Simon. I didn't want to anymore. Not to my Simon Snow.
I forced myself to stop.
It was there again. I made myself vomit to get rid of it. All of these stupid, stupid thoughts about "my" Simon. He'll never be "mine". He'll never be queer, he has a girlfriend for Crowley's sake. He'll never love his sworn enemy.

He'll never love a monster.