My Selfish Desire

Nine~Baz~

I couldn't stop fidgeting the entire day. I had an idea, a horrible idea, and I was itching to try it out.
That book had a spell that caught my eye. Lock it up and hide the key. It's used to (obviously) hide things, but an annotation at the bottom of the page claimed that there was a way to use it to suppress hunger, thirst, desires, and even memories. Memories. I could forget about loving Simon.
It made my heart skip a few times when I thought of it, but it began to ache as the day drug on.
Did I really want to forget about this? Did I want to dispose of the only thing that made me want to live, or wake up in the morning, or even smile?
I almost began to dread the moment I would have to walk into our room. I couldn't face him after thinking such a thing. I'd walk in and probably find him going through my things again. Maybe I'd be treated with him having only just got out of the shower, his hair soaked and his neck beaded with water droplets that may have well been diamonds. He'd look at me with his angered blue eyes, and scowl.
I allowed myself to smile a bit at this. It was a temporary bitterness, hidden beneath a mask of usually something associated with joy. A lone thought emerged, and echoed down into my ribcage. It chipped away at my heart until it was nearly gone.

At least Simon Snow cares enough to hate me as much as I do.

I'm not doing it. I can't kill myself with this. Simon Snow is going to kill me, and I'm going to let him. When he finally drives the sword through my ribs, finally ties my noose, I'll still love him. Maybe he'll hold me as I slip into the darkness of death. Maybe he'll lay a rose on my grave.
Bloody hell, I'm insane, possibly even a masochist. I almost want Simon to kill me, maim me, mortally wound me, or leave the faintest scratch on my cheek.
I look at the book as I trace the edges of my pillow. A new idea has begun to stew, forming into a scandal that could end in tragedy.
Something long caged away snarled hungrily in my soul (if vampires even have souls), making me want Simon Snow more than I ever knew possible.
I felt my face flush as much as it could with what little blood there was in my system. My heart raced even faster as the doorknob turned. I didn't want Simon. I needed him.
I tried calming down, which proved to be a success. I needed Simon, but I wasn't going to steal him away for myself.

( yet. )