Ahhh omg so I legit have a little blue, leather bound notebook filled with stupid entries about this guy I was kind of sort of infatuated with and it's so gross and sad like wtf . The following are some vvvv real quotes that I 500% wrote during a very dark time in my life (basically 3 months ago lmao bye) that made me want to die when I read them out loud :))) also I'm a mess bc I remember when I wrote a lot of these, I was lowkey focused on trying to sound poetic and flowery or whatever like I'd be feeling like haha ew fuck boys but fuck boys <3 if u catch my drift, but then I'd write "boys make my heart twist and turn in the most grotesque of ways, but they also make my eyelids flutter, and cause the pathetic rosiness in my cheeks, and make thighs ache late at night when I think of all mysterious, rough touches, that could only ever come from a male's calloused hands" or something extra like that Like I feel this way 1000% percent or like used to, but I really need to drink some peach chill Snapple or something fucking Christ Pls enjoy my desperate antics
ENTRIES FROM A SAD HOE
"When I see him in the halls, the life gets knocked out of me. I want to punch him in the face, then make him feel guilty until he substitutes apologies for kisses"
"I think she just says that because she can tell from the way I say his name how desperate I am. But fuck that. Affection isn't a 'maybe.' I want him to think about me until my name is tattooed on his tongue, until he physically hurts inside because he hasn't seen me all day, until he literally wants to die because he has to bottle up his feelings. I want him to feel like me. Fuck him for having the balls to deal drugs, but lack the moxie, the fuCKING DECENCY to talk to me afterwards"
"But I guess a coward only shines in dark, dead-end classrooms"
"I don't even really know him, but he made me feel special; wanted and my addictive personality just wants more more more"
"He treats me like a good fuck, followed by the realization that he has herpes or something. I'm toxic. Infected. I saw him and acted like I was busy. I've become a master at busying myself around him"
"I act like I want him to go fuck himself, but I want the complete opposite. I want him to have friends that want the best for him, and go to a college that makes his parents proud, and stop dealing because he's a smart guy with a weak heart, but a heart nonetheless."
"I couldn't focus, breathe even, and in an attempt to seek lazily cool and unassuming, I leaned on a bike rack, aND TRIPPED OVER IT. I wanted to die, because I knew he had seen" CRINGING BC I CAN STILL VIVIDLY REMEMBER THIS
"So, I tried my best to casually get up, and turn the corner before going on a mindless rant about how he didn't have shit to laugh about bc at least I wasn't going to a shitty community college for disappointing fuckwads. I wasn't a spineless lackey like him. I hated how easy it was for me to spite him, spite anyone, when I don't feel like I'm drowning my senses in their very essence 24/7."
"Boys confuse me, and kind of terrify me, and don't mean anything to me, but also make up my whole world, and I want to be a femme fatale and make boys cry and break their hearts, but I also find affirmation in approval, and I know it's fucked up"
"B. interjected and said 'he doesn't hate you, he just doesn't care.' Hearing that made me want to die. I was nothing to him. To hate someone took energy, feeling emotion. None of which he could muster up for me. He was so apathetic that he couldn't even take the time to hate me. It's tragic and disgusting but I wish he did, as long as I still crossed his mind, I'd let him think about me however he wanted. I feel like a sick, deluded girl, begging for affection. Everyone thinks I'm a joke, and I care too much for people who don't care about me"
"I'm delusional and in love with the idea of love" Lmao tru
"Can't wait for 2024 when they make clones so us lonely, repulsive, folk can date ourselves ;")
Omg so the intention of this was to show my funny lol hahahahaha stupid rants about a stupid guy that meant too much to me, but this actually came out hella self deprecating and serious and sad ??? But I blame Joni Mitchell bc I was listening to Little Green on repeat as I wrote this and got kind of lost in my feelings but fuck her voice speaks to the part of my soul that isn't completely black 😇🌸🌸 I'm ending this with a Rick and Morty gif bc hey what's more uplifting than that¿
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