Keep Running (Killjoy)

23

Trigger warning.

P.P.'s POV:
That was the end. The nurse came in and pulled me away from the dead body lying in the room. Someone had woken up my friends and brother since they were standing in the hallway with concerned faces through the dim morning light shining in through the highly-placed windows. Missile Kid's innocent, brown eyes were fixed on my frozen expression a little further down the hall from where we stood. It was unreasonable for my mind to accept the fact that Destroya was completely gone. I couldn't take that information in, it was too unbelievable for me. But the heartache was weighing down my chest and begging for an emotional release of some sort.

My eyes were stuck on her and I could feel hands grab at my arms to lead me away. There was a glaze that formed over my eyes but I couldn't make myself cry with Destroya still before me and the guys around me. One of the most important people to me was gone and the bright color she brought into my life had vanished. I didn't know what to do. My mind was blank and my nerves were numb.

"Hey...hey, Gee? You alright there?" Frank asked while they practically guided my body into walking back to the rooms.

"Do you want us to be with you when we get back to your room?" Mikey questioned from the opposite side.

"No." I said in a whisper, which was the only tone I could manage to use.

"Okay, but promise us you won't do anything fücking retarded." Frank compromised.

I just nodded to reply.

"Okay, I'll trust you on this one." Ray nodded to seal the offer.

"Party, are you okay?" Missile cocked her head sideways.

"Honey, how about you go back to bed for now and we'll explain later? I promise we'll be right back after we take him to his bed." Ray directed her away as she frowned.

The last few steps over to my bed were weak until I finally collapsed onto the mattress, lying as limply as the recently deceased girl. I didn't even bother to move away the red strands of hair in my eyes. It felt as if several hours had passed by while I just remained right there doing nothing for days. Unable to sleep or eat. Something in the back of my mind was telling me that I was dying just like Destroya had been not even a week ago. The guys and Missile stopped in to check on me a few times over that time period, seeing no improvement in my condition.

"Gerard, get the fück up. She wouldn't want you sulking around like this. You're going to kill yourself." Frank said rather rudely.

Feeling ever-so-depressed, I thought: Maybe that's the point...

"Come on, I know what she said to you. And we're here to make sure you don't waste your life feeling upset." He continued.

My mind blocked out the sound of his voice, reminding me that Destroya wouldn't have been shot if it wasn't for my idiotic actions. I was acting reckless and she went out to save me, ending it all with her life after getting shot out there. It was my fault. Her death and my miserable state were both caused by me. A familiar impulse returned to me, and I couldn't stop it from taking over my thoughts.

Frank had left the room, probably because he realized he was rambling to the equivalent of a brick wall. I got off the bed for the first time in ages and almost collapsed from not being able to hold myself up. I hadn't eaten or moved in a while so my head swirled with dizziness. My head pounded and I started crying, sunk down on the floor of the bathroom. The tears blurred my vision as I stood up to reach the cabinet for an old item that would make me feel less guilty about causing her death. Or at least let me rid of some of my negative emotions.

A sharp blade I found in the cabinet pressed into my forearm numerous times, dragging across to make small bloody tracks along the pale skin. My pooling tears mixed in with the crimson blood as they both dropped onto the floor in puddles. It stung terribly, but I deserved this. I made Destroya die and now I would make myself suffer for it. Some of the stress and emotions I'd been shielding away for the past time were being released through each cut. I kept going until the world blackened in my eyes and I slowly drifted out of consciousness, hopefully along with life, as growing blood puddles surrounded my arms.

The last thing I heard was when my body collapsed back onto the hard ground from leaning on the counter. Then someone opened the door to my room. Frank, Ray, and Mikey's voices echoed in the empty space as they approached the bathroom, looking for where I had gone.

"Fück, Gerard! Why did you do this?!" Frank's distressed voice shouted, probably after spotting my half-conscious self.

My little brother struggled to talk as he only mumbled my name, sounding extremely distressed from what he was looking at.

"We shouldn't have left him alone." Ray sighed, "We should've known he would do this."

It hurt to hear their saddened tones as they came closer. But I tried to ignore my heartache. I only focused on feeling streams of blood pulsating in my arms and had one last, depressing, thought come over my mind: I'm sorry to everyone I've hurt. But now I can be with you again, Destroya.