Love, Dad

2. Lonely

Nothing was different in the morning. I didn't know what I was expecting—a miracle or change in fate—but when I opened my eyes to the dusty sunlight streaming through the blinds I knew today was going to be more of the same. Being back in my old room seemed so odd, to sleep in my old bed, with my old things around me. I hadn't taken much when I'd left—more so out of my obstinate nature than the rush I was in. I shouldn't have been so surprised that my dad had left everything the way it was, but I thought maybe he would've packed up some of the trinkets I'd collected over the years, stored some of my childhood baubles in the attic.

Last night was so awkward. My homecoming had been smoother than I'd anticipated, and my dad had seemingly been happy to see me. Still, aside from the fact that he was glad that I'd returned, there was really nothing else he could say. It wasn't like I blamed him, because I discovered the exact same thing. It didn't matter whether or not he could recall the bad blood between us, all that mattered was, like me, he knew it was there. That didn't exactly dissuade me, I'd come all this way and shockingly enough it wasn't that terribly difficult to be here again—not that I wanted to stay any longer than I had to.

Once I was back in Los Angeles, back to starting work on my new show, I would feel as though I was in my skin again. I was sure of it. For now, I felt the same way I had always felt here—that I didn't belong. While I reveled in that I heard Caitlyn's car pull into the driveway. The sun was still fresh in the sky, and I wasn't expecting her to start so early. I supposed that made sense, after all, my father really shouldn't have been alone at all. She had told me a little bit about his condition last night, just a little. There were still so many questions. That being the way things were, I rolled out of bed and slipped on my favorite shirt, heading out to greet her.

When I saw her struggling up the path I opened the door, taking some of what she held and carrying it in for her. She was just starting the day and already she looked like she had worked all through the night.

"Thanks." She smiled and laughed a bit, trying to catch her breath as she set down the rest of her load and put her hand on her back.

"Not a problem, can I get you some breakfast?" I wasn't sure what it was about being back in this house, but it was as if I was reverted to who I was before leaving. The me I was back in Los Angeles would never have offered that.

"No, but I appreciate it. I have to get your dad started for the day." Caitlyn checked her watch now, doing some kind of calculation in her head. Then she turned and headed away from me. So maybe my kindness wasn't exactly selfless. I still had things I wanted to know, and I followed behind her quietly as I tried to find the right words.

"So, Caitlyn, I was hoping you could tell me a little more about what's going on with my dad now?" Honestly I didn't like asking like that, being at her mercy. Or maybe I didn't like having to ask a stranger for information that I should've already known, that I should've had the answers to instead of her.

"Caiti is fine," she didn't turn as she started through the house, flipping on lights wherever she went, "and, uh, sure, just let me get him situated for the morning and I'll have a few minutes to fill you in." Then she allowed me one glance before departing, leaving me with my mouth hanging open while I tried to get another word in. But she was gone. After ten minutes had passed I sat down. When it was half an hour I made myself breakfast. By the time she returned it was at least an hour after that.

"How is he?" I asked.

"Good, you can go see him whenever you want." When Caiti sat down she still did not look at me, instead collapsing her head onto the table with a groan.