Love, Dad

13. Come Hell or High Water

It was so hard to say goodbye in the morning. I practically begged Levi to stay, not to leave me, but he had to go to work. It was Friday, which meant that he would be free the entire weekend—a source of much happiness for me, because I had grand plans to never leave this bed. Maybe I was still floating in the clouds; after all, we had spent the entire night in bliss. Or maybe it was perfectly rational. I'd never felt like I belonged anywhere more strongly than when I was in his arms. I loved him, yes, but it was so much more than that. I'd loved him for most of my life, and that meant a majority of that time had been comprised of thoughts of him or glances stolen to be treasured in my heart. It seemed fitting that I could only hold him so dear in such a way before it grew into something there were no words for.

Soul mates? No, that felt like it wasn't enough. It was cliché to say that he was my world, though it was arguably true, so I just accepted that I would never be able to define it. The best part was that I knew it was true for him too, as it had always been despite my failure to see it before. It was just as hard for him to leave me this morning, even with his promises that he would return, and though he had been gone for hours now I craved him. I could almost still feel his body in my hands. It probably wasn't appropriate to be daydreaming like that as I lay on the couch, dad just a short distance away from me.

I'd sent Levi back out of my window, instead of letting him use the front door, because I knew sooner or later there would be questions—we could only push our feigned friendship so far. Looking at dad, I tried to imagine what it would be like if I told him the truth, the way Levi had with his family. Linda had been accepting, and Levi begged me to have faith, but I couldn't envision any scenario that didn't end with me disappointing him, and breaking his heart yet again as he slowly died. But I wanted to tell him. I wanted more than anything to tell him right now, even more than to have Levi back.

Because that was it. In the same manner that I had no words to describe how bonded I was with Levi, I also had no words to describe the way I felt about my father. He wasn't just my dad. He was the man who raised me, the only face I could recall looking down at me as a child. He taught me of life and death, punished me, spoiled me. Held my hand through everything and made sure that every single night I knew that he was proud of me, and that he loved me. Every single night. He was all that I had in that way, and he was more than anything I could've ever hoped for, warts and all.

My father was so special to me, and I feared him leaving this earth never really knowing me just the same as I feared hurting him. It was a tough spot, and I didn't like it. Even now he couldn't see the way I looked at him, like the sun and moon set in his eyes, and I didn't want to think in such limited terms—dad still had plenty of time left, Caiti had said herself that he'd been doing so much better. That was enough for me to hold onto, to help me move passed the incessant fears that kept me chained there in my own self-pity. There was still time.

As I contemplated that my phone rang, and I fished it out of my pocket eagerly, thinking that it would be Levi, sneaking to call from work just to say that he was thinking about me. Then I saw that it wasn't him, but rather his mother, and I paused as I debated whether or not to answer it. I knew that Linda had accepted him, I did, I knew it. Only, I was suddenly afraid to face her, because she had never known me as anything other than her son's friend—how would she behold me now that we were lovers, boyfriends? It made me uncomfortable, and I felt like I wasn't ready to face that just yet so I let it ring until it went to my voicemail.

The noise had attracted dad's attention and he glanced over curiously, respecting my privacy and not asking who I was avoiding. I was grateful, because I felt that at any moment I might not be able to stop myself from just coming out with everything. When my phone dinged, signaling that I had gotten a text, he again didn't look, but I snuck a peek just in the small chance that it was Levi. No, it was still his mother, compelling me to call her right back. She was a perceptive creature, I'd give her that, and she seemed to know that I was screening her calls. It made me feel a little guilty.