Love, Dad

19. Death Comes for Us All

Long ago I'd made the decision that I wouldn't be attending a funeral for a while yet. Of course that was when dad's death was the only one I thought I would be dealing with. It was funny in a way, poetic to be reminded so callously that death comes for us all. It was impossible to be ready—any of us, and I understood that better now than I ever did before. Maybe that was the point of this, to prepare me for what was to come, to put me back in my place and show me that life was as transient as the few days that had passed effortlessly.

I didn't want to go. It would be hard to be there, I knew that, and I didn't want to. But I knew I had to—it was my place. Still, nothing looked quite right as I traded out one tie for another. Not that it mattered, and I laughed a little at how maudlin it all seemed. Today someone would be lowered into the ground, shut off from the world forever, and my biggest hurdle seemed to be finding the right thing to wear. I wondered what he would be wearing under the lid of his casket. That seemed horrible to think, wrong to even imagine, and I put it from my mind.

Those terrible thoughts were probably creeping up inside of me because I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before. I wasn't used to sleeping alone anymore. Maybe things would start getting back to normal after we were finished with today, after everything was finally settled. I hoped that was true—I couldn't take another day of the house being so quiet like it had been. No matter what, life went on, and I wondered if that thought was cruel for me to harbor, even if it was true.

With a sigh I finally decided on what to wear and put the other contenders away. In the back of my mind I considered how soon I might have to do this all over again, how soon I would be faced with the one funeral I had known was coming. It didn't affect me as adversely as it might have on any other given day. Today the darkness had already taken root inside of my heart, so no thoughts about death or mortality really seemed to trouble me. That was a good thing, I figured, and I made my way to the bathroom to properly groom myself—not that there was much work that needed done.

"Are you ready? We're going to be late." Levi came and found that I was still in the bathroom, appearing in the mirror behind me with a supportive smile.

"Yeah, almost." It was all that I could say as I turned on the faucet and ran my hands under the water. It was cool, refreshing on my skin, and I bent over so that I could pat some on my face without dampening my outfit. It was just another reason to stall, to avoid going with him.

"Are you okay?" He took note of my expression quickly and put his hand on my back.

"I'm fine, I didn't sleep well last night," I told him, turning and straightening out his suit jacket, "how was she?"

"She was okay, stayed up most of the night talking to mom." He slipped his hand into mine as he provided me with the answer and led me down the hall. Caiti had stayed the last few nights at Linda's house. I wasn't sure why really. I was supposed to be her best friend, but she seemed as though she couldn't talk to me about any of it. I had been there after all, I had watched Billy kill himself. It had been me; I was the one who watched her splattered with his blood, the one who caught her before she could collapse. Yet I wasn't the one she could share her feelings with, the thoughts that were going around and around in her head.

Not that I blamed her. Whatever way she needed to get through what happened was okay with me, I was just concerned. It had been my choice to make Levi stay away, because I felt better knowing that she had all the support that she needed if it were required. Other than my lonely nights I was fine, and though I knew Levi was dying to be with me—to hold me and show me love—he understood the reason he could not. He was a good man. Like I'd said, maybe things would start returning to normal after today. It was all over now.