Love, Dad

9. Miracle

Watching the snake on the TV chase down and eat the rodent on the screen seemed barbaric to me, a waste of network resources when there were several other worthwhile things they could be airing. Still, it did seem to bring dad joy—for whatever reason—when he watched his nature shows, so I didn't complain the way I used to while I lounged there and endured them. Besides, I was hardly paying attention to it as I lay sprawled out on the couch, trying not to think about last weekend. It didn't help that dad wouldn't let it be.

He kept asking me where Levi was, why he hadn't been coming over. Day after day he did that, and I'd thought he would've gotten the hint around the fifth day. I just told him that he was really busy with work. Sure, I knew I couldn't keep lying to him, he was going to catch on sooner or later that something had happened, but until then it was just easier this way. Caiti was true to her word and hadn't mentioned a thing—I knew that because, if she had, I would've already gotten exorcised with holy water or burned at the stake. No, she had proved she was trustworthy.

Because she had been a good friend to me when I needed it, I wanted to be a good friend to her too; only, I didn't possess the brazenness that she did, and I knew I couldn't just call her out on what was going on in her life. And it wasn't like she was eager to bring it up. Instead she was content going on as she always had, dealing with her own problems in solitude. Even now she was away from this moment with me and dad, tucked under my feet at the end of the couch as she did one of her crossword puzzles. Maybe she just got by because she didn't think about it, and if that were true I envied her—I wished that were a possibility for me.

But it wasn't, and I had spent the past week trying not to let the gnawing hole I felt inside of me swell up and swallow me whole. Wake up, work in the fields, make dinner, bed. It was an easy routine, effortless really, and if I adhered to it then I didn't would be fine. Liar. It was nearly impossible to go more than a few hours without thinking about Levi, about what happened. About what things he might've said if I'd only agreed to stay there and talk to him. Not that I thought there was any amending what transpired between us back then, but I was still curious, and I had always believed that I deserved answers. I did deserve them.

The time revealed that he would have been home from work for a while now, and I wondered what he was doing. Then I stopped myself, knowing that I couldn't let those thoughts in. Accepting that as it was brought me back to the living room with the three of us, and I focused on the TV again. It was actually nice, like we were almost a family, and I considered what it would've been like if I'd had a sister. Levi loved his sisters, and though they naturally fought endlessly I knew he wouldn't trade them for the world. I wondered what kinds of things me and my imaginary sister would've fought about.

"Watch out," Caiti nudged my legs lightly so I'd remove them and free her, "I'm going to start packing up." On her way by she patted dad on the shoulder, breaking him from the screen momentarily so he could give her a smile. Once she was gone we both went back to the show, only now I was bothered by my thought, curious, and after thinking about it for another minute I looked over at dad.

"Why am I an only child?" I asked, waiting for his response as he appeared unaware of the question.

"What do you mean?" He said, looking at me and muting the TV.

"I mean, why did you and mom never have any more kids after me, or have kids earlier in your marriage?" It was a valid curiosity, I thought. Dad was thirty eight when he had me, which seemed a little late to start having children. Though that clearly accounted for why there were none who followed me.

"I've told you this story before, haven't I?" He scratched his head as he racked his brain, trying to recall if he had. When I'd assured him that he hadn't, he shrugged his shoulders, "it was just the way it happened, really. When your mother and me first got married we started trying for kids right away—we wanted a big family. After trying for a couple of years she finally did get pregnant, and she kept that baby for three months before she miscarried."