The Journal [boyxboy]

The Journal {16}

                I never would have imagined that I could feel so bad. So entirely alone in the world. So helpless.

                And so extremely wonderful t the same time.

                But here I am, once again fighting back my emotions. I don’t know how much longer I can hold back the tears. All I want to do is cry and scream and punch the ground until someone tells me why this is happening to me.

                But at the same time, I just want to smile with joy. I really am in love with Francis.

                It started out with things getting even worse at home, then it moved to school, and finally it moved to Francis’s house. I guess I shouldn’t get too ahead of myself though.

                I should’ve known right away that it was going to be a bad day. Just the way I woke up foreshadowed that. I rolled over and-

                -let out a yell as I fell off the bed, landing on the floor, cutting my arm against the edge of my dresser. I let out a hiss of pain and rubbed my arm, sitting up slowly.

                “Ow,” I grunted.

                I forced myself to stand up and inspected my lightly bleeding arm. I stumbled out of my bedroom and into the bathroom, slapping a bandage over my arm. I brushed my teeth, fixed my hair, and threw on some clothes, heading out to the kitchen to grab a poptart.

                Mom and dad were standing in the kitchen, talking to each other as they poured themselves coffee. They glanced at me and fell silent.

                “Mom,” I said quietly. “Dad.”

                “Get out of here. Go run off with Francis Phillips,” mom snarled.

                “Mom, it’s not like that,” I said, my eyes pleading with her to understand. “I can’t control who I like. I really can’t. I didn’t want to disappoint you. I didn’t want to make you hate me. I never would’ve chosen that. I was just…hell, I was just born this way.”

                “Shut up Nash,” dad said coldly. “You know damn well that you chose this life for yourself. For whatever reason, you chose this. Now go on and go to school. Go be a faggot and shame us even more.”

                I stared at him in shock and hurt. I swallowed down the lump in my throat. How could they say that stuff to me? I’m their son!

                Unable to say anything, I turned and dropped my head, dragging myself out of the house. I collapsed in my car and waited until I had control of myself before driving.

                When I got to school, I had to force myself to go inside. All I wanted to do was curl up in the back seat of my car and never move again.

                But as I entered school, Frank came right over to me. He gripped my arm tightly and dragged me with him to an empty classroom.

                “Ow! Let go of my arm!” I said in surprise.

                He released my arm and glared at me. “You didn’t answer my calls yesterday. I heard about the lunch room incident. I couldn’t find that bitch or her cousin. And I couldn’t find you,” he said. “Why the fuck would you hide from me? I can help you, Nash!”