Burning Alaska

I'm not a Monster

I saw you smile today. It's been a while. I love your smile, my dear June. It makes me remember why I risked leaving..

I watched you take finals.

You make me so proud with all the effort you put into your schooling.

I know how much it drains you. When you get home and attempt some complex algorithm and cry from frustration. You stay up all night researching it.

I also saw Fin push you around. I tried protecting you but I just couldn't... I'm sorry I let you down, Juneau.

You didn't tell anyone, did you? You didn't want to get him in trouble. I know you write about him in your journal.

I don't care what he says, he doesn't love you, Junebug.

I, on the other hand, would die all over again for you.

A thump at your window makes you slightly jump. I walk to the window to investigate.

It was Fin.

You let him, helping him through. Then you quickly shut the window to keep out the frosty night air.

He cups your face with his hands and embraces you in a kiss.

I look down in disappointment. But then I smile at the sight of you pulling away.

"Why are you here?" You ask, backing away.

"To apologize. I know I haven't been the greatest boyfriend ever and I wanted to make it up to you."

He pulls a small black box out of his pocket.

"Fin..." You trail off.

"I love you, Juneau." He hands the box to you.

I snarl loudly. Fin looks around, disturbed. I think he heard me.

You open the box, but show no emotion.

You then close the box and hand it back to him.

"Sorry, Fin. I just can't do this anymore."

"What do you mean? I apologized." He laughs a little.

"You have apologized. For the past three months." You walk over to the window.

"I think it's best you leave."

I smile.

You're so smart, darling. I'm so glad you stood up for yourself.

"What did you just say?" He steps towards you.

I saw you shiver a little in fear.

"I said I think it's best you leave." You open the window.

He corners you.

I growl loudly in anger. Enough was enough. He had one more time to hit you. One.

He turns around, and I know he sees me.

"Who the hell are you? Are you cheating on me?" He turns back to you, yelling.

I see you look past him, looking for me.

"Shhh..keep it down. My mom is downstairs." You take a step towards him, trying to calm him down.

"Who? What are you talking about?" You look straight past me.

"Don't play dumb. He's standing right there." He raises a hand to you and I bolt, pinning him against the wall.

"Don't you ever touch her again. If you do, I'll make sure we're roomies in hell. So much as look in her direction, you're dead. You hear me?" I say, quivering from anger.

"Fin. What's happening?" You ask.

"Tell her you agree and you are sorry for wasting four of her precious months. You won't bother her again." I make him look directly into my eyes.
It's an approach I use to scare my victims. They see whatever scares them most...because I truly have seen it all, including hell. Once they see it, it's burned into their mind like a brand.

But my dear Juneau, I haven't done this in a while. I gave up this way of after-life years ago when I first saw you. I'm not a monster. But I will protect you.

Fin repeats everything I said slowly, not moving his eyes from me.

"Now get out." I yell and point to the window.

To scare him a little more, I go to the darkest corner of of your room and disappear.

I see panic in his eyes as he leaves without saying a word.

You shut the window and crawl into bed. You start crying, staring up at the dark ceiling.

Of course, I'm right beside you.

"I love you, Juneau." I whisper.

I feel your body heat and smell your fresh linen sheets. And for a second, I think it's possible that I could dream, too.