Rants & Stuff

i feel trapped

It's hard being a "kid."

I'm currently fourteen years old (wow so dangerous putting my age here) but I feel completely trapped inside my own body. 

Honestly, I want to be older. I don't want to be in this body. Yes, I am fully confident in myself and in my self-esteem, and I've learned to love myself, but I don't want to be in this stage. 

I want to be older. I want to grow up faster. I want to be in my late teen years, so I can get a boyfriend and travel the world with my friends and take beautiful, artistic pictures and be able to pay for things and drive to events and just be carefree.

I know that simply "growing up" will not make all these wishes come true, but it kills me that I'm still only going into high school this year.

I have thoughts that are above a normal 14-year-old's normal thoughts. (And no, I don't mean this in a sexual way.)

I think creatively and deeper than most people I know. I'm a poet. I'm a writer. I'm a director. Other people my age don't understand when to say sorry, or when to keep their mouths shut.

And I can't tell them this because it will either hurt their feelings, ruin my relationship with them, or they won't understand.

I'm sick of the idea that I'll be behind a desk my entire life. I want to go out, dress the way I want, be the person I want to be, do the things I decide to do, without anyone to tell me I can't.

I see celebrities motivating people to be who they really are, no matter what their family and friends say.

The thing is, I'm not afraid of what other people will think, I'm angry because I'm still a kid and I can't make these types of decisions.

If my family doesn't like my decisions, I can't escape them. If my school doesn't like my decisions, they can kick me out.

I. Can't. Do. Anything.

That's why I'm so ready to grow up. I just want steady friends who will stay by my side. People who care about me. People who won't judge me and will make me feel amazing about myself.

Right now, I'm just in an okay situation with mostly-nice friends and a half-welcoming family.

I just want to be completely, totally, and utterly myself.

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this was really deep and I was feeling emotional and stuff so I'm sorry