Story Of My Life

Forbidden love Part 3

I guess she loved the most obvious things about me, that is why when she saw the unusual she left me. I hoped this would be a love story, but it ended up as a one-sided love.
We didn't talk to each other at that time, and I often missed her presence around me; I used to think about her all the time like I was scratching at a sore, which prevented it from healing. I didn't just lose my love; I also lost my best friend.
I never had a lot of friends because I was very selective, so it made it even more painful for me. I tried contacting her from my phone over and over again, but she never picked up. Maybe she didn't want to speak to me. Maybe I wasn't worth it for her. Maybe. Those thoughts replayed themselves in my mind every day, every night, consciously, unconsciously; they killed me. I was dying on the inside, and it was affecting my lifestyle. Getting over someone who meant the world to you is probably one of the worst things a person can ever have to face in this life. My attitude started changing, I was rude to everybody, and my anger level was overflow; I lashed out at anything or anybody, hurt a lot of people and did stupid things just because of one girl.
I left music in between because I wasn't able to concentrate fully on anything.
Everything was a total mess. Then I met a girl in my high school, Anah.
She turned out to be my good friend. She was soft, kind heart, sweet, and innocent, and she always gave me the best advice whenever I was in a fix. We used to sit together and share our thoughts on basically everything, but I always got rude to her for meaningless things. I was losing a perfect friend, and I didn't realize. Truth be told, it became challenging for me to trust anyone after Mary.
I also used to think that I should not be close to anyone because I was useless and not good enough for anybody. I knew in my heart, though, that I needed somebody, a good friend who could understand me and take good care of me. Memories of Mary never really left me though, they popped in at times, and they used to miss me off a lot. It seemed impossible for me to get rid of her from my mind. I shared my love and affection for Mary with Anah once, and she said, "Learning to let go is maybe a part of love."
"But I can't let her go," I said to Anah. "I wish I could tell you how I really feel." (I was feeling so sad)
"Do you even know how those memories hurt?" I yelled at her channelling my inner anguish to her, "Reading those old messages repeatedly and realizing how much you miss that person. I act like I don't care but feel down; I swear it kills me."
"You'll be alright," Anah says, her posture depicting calmness; she looks into my eyes, trying to pass it to me, "Time teaches us in a better way. I want you to be happy. I know boys are always blamed for everything, but I know that you are a good person and that you will never intentionally hurt anybody."
"The first thing is for you to know that you are not the one to blame, you actually worked for her, but the thing is, if you really want her, you have to work harder, you have to work hard so she can see that you are trying, make yourself worth it. Do whatever you can do to better yourself for her, but I'm the end of she. It is too blind to see and appreciate you then don't feel bad or feel regret because it will all work out for good in the end".
"I was still confused because I wasn't sure what Destiny really had for me. What if she was the one? Then again, what if she wasn't? My life was more or less at a standstill. I told myself that I should stop wallowing in self-pity. I remember feeling special at that time until it dawned on me that Mary talked to everybody like that. Nothing hurts more than realizing she meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to her. I felt like a fool.
I decided there and then that I would make myself a better person for her and for myself.
Let's face it, it's much easier to fake a smile than to explain what you feel inside all the time, so that's what I did the whole time. I put on a mask of happiness when deep down, that wasn't how I felt.
Anah and a few other friends warned me to run away from Mary-related thoughts. They told me that I shouldn't waste my time on someone who isn't willing to waste their time on someone who isn't willing to invest their time in me, but nothing could change my mind like I was programmed to think in one way that way was Mary-cantered.
Mary didn't come back for a whole year, and I waited and waited because that was all I could do, but I didn't stop self-improvement. I didn't realize, but I pushed my friends away. I lost Anah, my best friend and all the few others due to my stupidity. That was when it dawned on me that I didn't see my friends the way I should have, they were meant to be my good friends, to mean the world to me, but I took them for granted.
I decided to change; I started being nicer to the people around me; Mary left wasn't their fault. I focused on music once again because I knew that this wants I meant for.
I thought I could change the attitude I've been putting on for years and get instant positive feedback and that love and care I had earlier, but I was disappointed; I learnt that one always has to reap the fruits of their labour.

I wish I could fast forward to the end to see if all of this is worth it. I hate that feeling when you're not necessarily sad, but you just feel really empty. We used to talk every day, and now it's like we don't even know each other.
I couldn't,
I couldn't do it anymore
I had enough with the pain
I was giving up
I was going crazy
I was losing my mind without her
My heart ached every second of every day
Then one day, something happened, I was sitting on the rooftop of my apartment building enjoying the breeze and lazing around, swilling, tapping on my phone screen in time to the beat of the song streaming into my ears from my headset.
Suddenly my music stopped making me open my eyes and get blinded by the sudden light for a second. My phone starts ringing, and just like I usually do, I clear my throat, so my voice doesn't sound strange and peer at the caller ID.
'Mary', it reads.
At first, I just stare at the phone screen transfixed, then the phone goes off, and after a few seconds, the call comes in again.
I mutter probably all the curse words I know, then I pick the call.
"Hello, who's speaking?"
"It's me, Hammy ", Mary said. "Whom! I didn't recognize you"(I acted strangely as if I didn't know her)
"How can you forget your childhood friend? It's me, Mary," she replied.
"I'm so excited that we are talking back again after a long time. How are you doing?" I asked her while blushing.
"Yes, I'm doing well, and you couldn't be any better," She said, smirking, "and I have good news for you."
"What's that?" I asked in an overjoyed way (although she let me down so many times, I forgive her, and I fall too fast, crush too hard, forgive too quickly, and care too much )
She said," Actually, I was thinking to spend my summer vacation for a week at your home so that I could visit the Istanbul places and the places where we used to spend time in our childhood."
Yes, indeed I would love to see you soon.
Mary replied, "same here, and I'll inform you of the other details soon. Bye! "
It was just a dream or what; everything was happening as I've ever dreamed of. I don't understand our relationship,
Sometimes, we're friends.
Sometimes, we're more than friends.
Other times, I'm just a stranger to you.