Nighttime

Chapter 23- Sticks and Stones

6th January 1977

*Sirius POV*

Christmas had been 17 days ago, and I had known better to get anything from my parents or Reg, but with my little brother I couldn't help but hope. And when I got nothing from him it hurt, but it didn't hurt as much as when I got very kind and thoughtful present from my father, who I guessed was drunk when he wrote it. It came in the form of a howler.

Thankfully, it did not come with the morning post, where everyone would have seen it, including Reg, but when we were in the near deserted common room. I had been sat, Remus's arm around me, by the fire, just chatting, when the grand owl flew in. My parents never settled for anything that didn't show off. I thought the owl was quite hideous to be frank. It landed next to me and, leaving the bright red envelope by my side, then took off again back into the cold night.

'Crap'

I muttered, under my breath, snatching it up and shooting to my dorm. It was going to be vile, I didn't want anyone else to hear it. Remus moved to follow, but I shook my head.

'No'

I sounded like a small child, a very sad, very broken, small child.

He was obviously drunk, the words he yelled were slurred, but they cut all the same. This time ever deeper, deeper than before, because I knew that Reg was on their side now. Now I was truly alone in my family. He told me that nobody loved me, that I was a waste of space, a waste of oxygen, a waste. And he yelled it over and over and over again, and I started to believe him. I didn't deserve who I had, I didn't deserve to have Remus, to have James, to have Peter. I didn't deserve to do anything, I didn't deserve to breathe, to take this place in the world, I shouldn't have been born. I was a wreck. Tears fell thick and fast, and I was more broken than ever. I looked down to my wrist, the scars were still visible from when it got bad last time, and I felt myself being dragged back into the pit I had been in. I stopped myself, kept myself out of the pit, kept myself upright. I had to get through this, for the others, if not myself. Remus appeared at the doorway, and I quickly dried my eyes and smiled as convincingly as I could. Silently, he came and put his arm around my shoulder, I don't deserve you I thought to myself. You are too good for me, why did you pick me? I don't deserve you!