HOW IT CHANGED US

CHAPTER ONE- CASSIE UNLOCKED

CHAPTER ONE-CASSIE UNLOCKED

It was the first day of year 11, for people who are unfamiliar to the Australian education system, this was the fifth year of high school, my eleventh year of my education journey; but for me, and most people, high school was really the chance for a totally fresh start in our education journey.

Wait before we go into this first day, let me tell you a bit about me, and who I am to the school at this current moment.

For me it was not only a fresh start in my educational journey, a chance to change my behaviour towards school and towards my future education, but a fresh start in life. I didn't go to a school with people I knew from primary school, I went to a school knowing no one on purpose. I did it so I could get a fresh start, to be who I wanted to be, not just who people would know me by. But sadly my life at high school didn't turn out that way, it turned out the complete opposite. I soon realised that you can't start somewhere new knowing no one and expect people to just like who you really are. No. If you didn't want to be a lonely person for your first few months of high school you had to be nice. You be nice, people start to like you, then make up your mind who you want to hang out with.

Good idea you think, well probably not, at least I thought it was a good idea, and yeah it worked. It was working pretty well until I became known as the stereotypical "nice girl", at that point you can't change, because as soon as you change people begin to notice that everything you were was really just an act; don't take this the completely wrong way, I'm an extremely nice person, but I was overly nice to everyone. I mean absolutely everyone. I was nice to the point where people would get away with being bitches to me and I'd have to pretend like I didn't get what they were saying because I was way too nice to tell the difference between someone complimenting me, and being a bitch. That is how people saw me. I was seen as a "nice girl" which is the term everyone used instead of the term "push over"; I was a push over. A girl who everyone took advantage of in every single part of life, well life at high school. I hated being this, but I also kind of loved it. I hated the part that I didn't have any true friends, but to be honest I've never really had anyone I told my deepest secrets to. I hated the fact that whenever someone talked to me they'd be nice but then it'd always just lead to them talking about themselves for the rest of the conversation, about their dramas and their issues. How they were failing English, or how this boy didn't like them, or how they'd done something to their friend which was really bad. I sat through hours of this with people, and I'd have to pretend to give a shit, and if I didn't, they'd go off and tell everyone I was upset or pissed off, and for the rest of the day I'd have people coming up to me wondering what was up. And if I'd listened to them and came up with the right advice they'd hug me and tell me how much they loved me and how much of a great person I was, and then they'd go on and say how much of a great friend I was to them. Yeah that sounds great to most people but I hated hugging, and all of it was all a lie, I wasn't their best friend, they didn't believe that at all, they just wanted me to like them, and feel like I had to keep their secret because it would ruin our "friendship", but I knew it all, I never told anyone, well until now at least.

This was my life every day. I had "best friends" in all social groups. None of them really did care about me, it was all just an act to get me to like them. Some would ask about me, very rarely, but sometimes I would trust one of them. I'd open up to them hoping for an actual friend, but only to have my secret to be told around everywhere. That's why these days I tell everyone secrets that I don't care about, and keep the rest to myself. I don't trust, and I don't care either, that is something I have learnt. To not care, and to not trust anyone.

As much as I hated this image of myself, it did come with some advantages, because I was known as the 'nice good girl' I was able to get away with a lot of stuff in the social scene. I could basically say whatever I wanted to people and as long as I was saying it nicely, I'd get away with it, and if I didn't I'd act all nice about it, no one really believed each other when they told each other about me being a bitch, and if they did, someone would always stand up for me. So there's that, and then there was the thing about me knowing everyone's business. I got to study everyone and get to know who they really were and what mask they used. It became a gift I developed. It was pretty cool. And I was never involved with any of the drama, never. All those teenage issues you hear about, I had none of it because I wasn't attached to anyone enough to actually have an issue that would turn into an argument or anything. And even though I had to be the 'nice good girl' I still could be whoever I wanted to be, and no one would care because they didn't really know me anyway.