the waves came crashing down [under construction]

three

five years old

when i was five, this was the age that i actually remembered my time in the beach house.

"you've always been here," ma would always say, whenever i felt out of place. "you were here, when you were in your mother's womb."

my mother. roughly three years ago, she was mama. she's just mother now, though.

there was this awkward family photo that was still hung at the entrance to this day. my mother and papa were the only family who very much typical traditional filipino couple. back then, my mother was still an aspiring actress and my dad a rising red cross board member. besides them, were ma and her husband. ma had always looked more chinese than filipino, while my mother looked more spanish than filipino. my dad looked very much filipino. ma's husband was puerto rican american, but he looked more white than he did puerto rican. auntie carol had short red hair. she had worn make-up that day; she never usually does. besides auntie carol was her husband. i remember mr. kerr being a quiet man with wavy brown hair. in the picture, i guess you can see what a young auntie carol saw in him: the awkward, cute college boy in your calculus class. auntie lily was the only one hugging her husband, mr. roberts. mr roberts was this tall, very intimidating man. he had these piercing blue eyes, square jaw, and he was wearing a very expensive-looking suit. he had smiled faintly, which he never does. auntie lily looked majestic. she was young, hopeful, bright.

being five years old, i noticed how white the other kids were. "we're going to visit america, girlie." my mother said. i saw my first jumbo plane. i wore my first snow jacket and mittens. i was so wrapped up, i was this waddling ball of cloth. we had met the other families in san francisco. my mother ran ahead of my dad and little me to hug auntie lily. they were always so similar in brightness.

the other kids were not so wrapped up as i was. and they were very, very white.

"hi, my name's girlie." present me cringes at all the times i remember introducing myself as my birth name. girlie. shit.

"that's a real name?" said a boy taller than all the others. he had brown hair and blue eyes. he had freckles back then. "that's a weird name."

i wanted to disappear, like violet in the incredibles.

"why are you so bundled up?" said a boy who did not have striking eyes. i liked this guy better, even though his question made me more out of place.

"i - uhm - it's really chill here. like, like in home alone."

"its not that cold," said a girl with strawberry blonde hair. she had these big buck teeth and very beautiful green eyes. she looked like a cartoon character. "i'm charlotte."

"no she's coco," said the tall boy. "i'm erick. she's my little sister, so we're all calling her coco."

nods all around.

"but i hate that name!" she stomped her foot.

i know how that felt like. "i don't like my name girlie either." charlotte brightened. "i like lee better."

"lee? that's a boy name." charlotte stomped on erick's foot. "ow!"

"i'm kyle," said the brown-eyed boy. kyle. that was his name. "that boy sitting down reading is my brother, jamie."

"james," the black haired boy said without looking up. i thought he was from another family.

i saw the book and i couldn't help it. "anong libro yan?"

"what?"

"uh -uhm," i looked at the adults who were too busy chattering.

auntie lily was listening though. "oh, uhm. 'anong' is....uhm...'what.' and libro is like in spanish, it means, 'book.' i'm not sure what yan is."

"sorry, sorry. lemme redo. what book is that?"

"ah!" auntie lily's eyes look bright again. i remember loving it.

"it's...inspector hopper and adventures."

i think i gasped, i don't really remember.

"i have yaan!" i went to our luggage and pulled out a beaten up copy. grandpa had bought it for me at the national bookstore. it was expensive, i remember. nothing at the mall was cheap.

"you have that, too?" he asked. i nodded eagerly.

"i like mcbugg. i like the winter tale."

"oh, you have the 'mystery year' one."

i nodded. i looked down. he had the original version. it was the more expensive one at the national bookstore.

"that's cool."

"hey girlie - ow! - lee! lee! come over here! jamie's always boring."

"james! i wanna be called james!" he turned the page rather violently.

i left him to where charlotte was. we beamed at each other.

i didn't remember the car ride to marina's pearl. i just remember that we were loud and very much tired and we thought the ride would go on forever. as we neared, the weather became hot, so we ditched our coats. now, this was the weather i was more familiar with. i was glad to start wearing my yu-gi-oh tank top and my shorts i stole from phen. it was big on me, but i didn't care. they were what they called, "gym shorts."

when we arrived, we passed by the porch with these cool bench swings. then we saw the portrait. i was amazed at the size of this place, how clean and spacious everything was. we were all looking up at the picture.

"one day, you kids will come here with your kids." i made a face at auntie lily, who chuckled. "oh c'mon, lee sweat pea. don't tell me you're going to me a nun." auntie lily's eyes were so bright. kyle had inherited those brown eyes.

"don't you dare become a nun, girlie," my mother had said from behind. i remember five years old me smiling at her all doofus-like. her face looked foggy in my memory. "i want grandchildren!"

"ewwwwwww" said erick, kyle, and jamie said. jamie just kept looking at the picture.

i would've gone along with them. but i've heard that phrase so many times, i was used to it. i want grandchildren!

it was like, that was the only thing grandma wanted, so she would always remind us, "i want grandchildren!" and to me, "i want great-grandchildren."

on auntie lily, it just sounded weird.

i remember vaguely of that summer. it was filled with these new things and places and memories. they had said i was there before, and i guess i had. i remember the nest of seagulls nearby, the room where my mother and ma slept, the smell of vanilla, and i remember that big bookcase that held big books.

papa had ruffled my hair when he saw me gawking. "someday, bruce lee." he smiled down at me, and i smiled back. i remember how long his hair was and how tanned he was. to this day and forever, i would love his smile.

he left later, after some small talk with the other guys. he was doing a joint training project with the american red cross.

the nights passed just as the days. and before i knew it, we were going back on the plane.

"bye bye lee girl," kyle had said. i stuck out my tongue at him. it was a universal sign that i really really don't like you. you didn't need to translate in your head. it went unfazed to kyle. he had looked pretty proud of himself with coming up with that nickname.

"bye, i guess," said erick. i nodded at him. he nodded back.

charlotte bear hugged me. so this was what it was like, when tom had hugged jerry that one episode. "we'll see you soon, right? right?" she had turned to her mom when she said it, like accusation.

"of course, honey. of course."

i turned to little jamie.

"bye james."

"bye lee."

charlotte was right. we saw each other the next summer. and the summer after that. and so on and so forth.