Fortuity

Chapter 5

He went from asking twice a day if I was ready to asking in the beggining, after every meal, and at night. It's only been about two weeks since that day.

I've refused to speak about it. I just tell him no and then ignore him for a while after her asks me about it.

Because the truth is, I don't know anymore.

I'm standing in the guest room closest to our bedroom.

I want to paint this room a very soft pink.

But I won't.

I'm not having a kid. Not now, probably not ever.

We have the first dinner at my Mom's with the baby there today. Everyone lives in Southampton now.

We arrive late.

When we get there, Del is changing a diaper.

I kinda ignore the subject, but he's such a happy little boy.

I brush off the feeling and wander around the house.

Everyone has already held him.

I watch as she changes his diaper and feeds him.

She hands him off to me without a word.

"Burp him." She says. "I gotta pee."

He's so fragile and small, his blue onesie is cute, but his skin is cold.

I grab a blanket and wrap it around his small body, and then I put a burp cloth on my shoulder, put his head there carefully, and I burp the baby.

He's not fussy or anything, but his belly is hard.

He burps, spitting white shit, completely missing the cloth and getting it all over my back instead.

But I'm not mad. I don't really care. I lay him on my lap and wipe off his mouth, and then I let Tyler wipe it off my back.

He's a happy little baby. He's so warm and cozy. I wrap him up properly and just hold him.

I let Tyler have a short turn, and then I take him back.

He doesn't argue with me about keeping him longer.

He's sleeping now, his eyes shut, a small pacifier in his mouth. He suckles on the pacifier, gripping my finger.

He's all warm and cozy.

<><>

He asked me after every single meal, even at my Mom's, if I was ready.

I just told him no.

He randomly asked me, also.

He asked me when I was holding Cameron.

And I hesitated.

And he noticed.

We're in bed now, he's got his legs tangled with mine, is right arm is in between my breasts, his hand in a fist over my heart, his lips pressing small kisses to my neck.

I'm waiting for the question.

But I'm thinking about my answer.

I want to yell at him for throwing our child in the air.

I want to throw birthday parties and soothe fevers. I want to read the baby bedtime stories and change diapers and burp them and lock them safely in their carseat.

I want to be a Mommy.

I hear my husband sigh behind me.

Neither one of us are talking.

I know we're ready.

We've been married a year. We're steady in our jobs, the house is set.

Everything is ready. I'm twenty six years old, and he's twenty seven.

It's time.

"Tyler?" I whisper, staring at the curtains covering the balcony door.

"Yes?" he whispers.

I roll over to face him.

"I'm ready."

He stares at me, the moonlight shining off his face.

"What?" he whispers.

"I'm ready."

"You want a baby." He says.

"Yes."

Slowly, he sits up, moving on top of me, straddling me, locking his fingers in mine.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes." I whisper. "I wanna put our baby in the carseat. I wanna give them peanut butter and jelly. I wanna put them to bed. I wanna read them bedtime stories and soothe fevers and wipe tears. I want that. I want that with you."

He starts laughing, happy, taking my face in his hands, tears of joy in his eyes.

"You mean it." He whispers. "Oh god, you're ready. You're finally ready!" he starts kissing me, hard, tugging at my tank top. I sit up so he can tug it off, kissing him back, laughing.

<><>

I wake the next morning, but he's already up. He's wide awake, watching me sleep.

He smiles when I wake up.

"Good morning, Sunshine."

I yawn, stretching.

He finished in me four times before we went to bed.

I stand up, wandering into the bathroom.

"What can I do?" he asks.

"Strip the bed." I mumble, stepping into the bathroom.

I take a long hot shower, letting it wake me up. I wash and shave and dress, and then I dry my hair and walk back into the bedroom.

The bed is stripped to the mattress. I wander into the garage and the wash is already on.

Thankful, I venture into the kitchen to find that he's already made breakfast and coffee.

He's amazing.