|| Shawn ||
What I really wanted to do was have her kiss me, but as I thought about that, I didn't want to force that. I wanted our first kiss to be completely random and perfect. I wanted to catch her off guard and make the moment perfect whenever that moment would be.
If I had known having her go on a date with me would be this big of a deal, I wouldn't have said it. I would've waited a little longer until formally asking her out on a date. Afterall, she really hasn't dated anyone. I don't know how no guy hasn't even asked her out, but I'm sorta happy that I may be able to have the first date.
When she got out of the car and started crying, I felt guilty for some reason. In that moment I realized that all I wanted for her was to be happy. My heart drooped when I saw those tears flood her eyes. I just wanted to wipe them away and pull her close. Somehow, I sensed that the reason she was crying was not because of the whole deal we made in the gym, but because I was her family for right now. I'm the one she relies on to hold her when she cries and make her laugh. She doesn't want to risk our relationship, and I understand that. I only want her to know that I will always be here for her. Even if things suddenly crumble to the ground.
I felt a prompting to just kiss her, that maybe a simple kiss could calm her mind. The moment we shared with our lips together was pure bliss. The moment our lips met, I knew that our lips were made for each other. I never felt that with anyone. The second our eyes flickered open and met, I was trapped. I felt myself drowning in the thoughts of us together.
"We should get going," she says pulling away before I could fully register what I had just done.
I scratch the back of my head as I nod, awkwardly lifting myself back into my Jeep. The car ride back to my house is dead silent and I quickly start to miss our silly conversations. As we approach a red light, I take that time to glance over at the beautiful girl, "Liz..."
Her phone begins to vibrate in the console between us before anything else could be said. She snatches it a little too quickly, seeming as though she wants me to stop talking. I flick my left turn signal on before turning into my street, feeling a little awkward as Elizabeth taps away on that stupid iPhone of hers. Just as I park the car in the drive way, she hops out and shoves the phone in her Nike duffel bag.
"Liz, stop," I follow after her, up to the front door. "We don't need to go on a date if you really don't want to."
"It's not that I don't want to," she turns back to me, her hand on the knob. "I just don't want to take my chances of losing you."
"It's just a single date. You won't lose me if something goes wrong on a single date," I run a hand through my hair.
"You don't know that," she stammers, pushing the door open.
I take her wrist, "But I do."
"How do you know, Shawn?! How do you know that you won't leave me like everyone else did?! How do you know?! Things change, Shawn! Feelings change and I don't want this" -she motions her hand between the both of us- "to change."
I pull her closer to me, "This won't change. I won't let it."
"Just drop it, okay? You and me," she once again waves her index finger between the two of us. "cannot happen."
"You know what, fine," I say releasing her and storming off the porch, heading down the yard. "I wasn't even planning on it! I just wanted to take you out on a single date! But no, you always have to be a drama queen and make a big deal out of everything! I'm done trying to understand!"
"Why bother trying if you never will!" she screams back, hugging her small torso.
"You said you never wanted to lose our relationship, but guess what, Elizabeth! You just did!"
I hop into my car and drive back down the street. I have to force myself not to look back. I can't just be weak and give into all her complaints. She has to realize, that she can't just use her whole life situation against me... against us. I would never leave her.
You're leaving her right now, Shawn.
"No I'm not!" I scream at myself out loud, tears threatening to escape.
I hate myself. I'm doing exactly what I told her and myself the one thing I would not do.
Just go back to her.
"No, we need space. I can't let her run my life anymore. I can't let her be the only thing that's going on in my head. I can't. I need to be able to breath. I need to be able to live without thinking about her for one second."
That's never going to happen, Shawn.
"I hate this!" I pull to the side of the road and slam my fists against the wheel, causing the horn to go off. "I hate myself!"
I pull down the sun visor and flip open the mirror to take a look at myself. I'm a wreck. My eyes are blood shot. Tears are already staining my cheeks. I'm a wreck. Elizabeth Wolfe has made me a wreck.
