Unbecoming Humans

Chapter 30

Content warning: This chapter contains scenes of depression and allusion to self-harm.

I fell into a mindless routine: go to meals, go to class, do my assigned activities, go to bed, repeat. The weekends were more of the same, without the class time. In truth, except for the loss of my free time, things weren't much different from the way they had been before my mother caged my soul. The biggest change was that occasionally, Mother would summon me to her quarters to discuss some wedding detail, or take my body measurements, or tell me how happy and excited I would be.

However, I was neither happy, nor excited. I was an empty shell going through the motions, a mindless machine, capable of nothing but following orders. I could no longer feel emotion, or think for myself. I simply did as I was told, nothing more, nothing less.

I was working hard to avoid Nima, as my mother had ordered, but we would still cross paths anytime there was a group activity, like mealtimes or classes. Every time she came into my line of sight, she glared at me. Didn't she understand that I was doing this for her? I wished that she would just move on and leave me alone to rot in my misery.

My mother announced my engagement to Blake at dinner one night. She made a brief speech about her eagerness to welcome Blake into the Sekin family, and how she was proud of us for doing our part to ensure the future of humanity. Blah, blah, blah. As my mother finished and stepped down from her proverbial soap box, I could hear quiet sobs coming from Nima's direction.

A few days later, Blake pulled me aside after lunch. He lead me into an empty room and closed the door behind us. My anxiety began to mount as I worried about my mother finding us. Would she kill Nima if she knew about this? I broke out in a cold, nervous sweat.

"Calm down, Aria," Blake said, looking at me with confusion and concern. I was never given to nervousness before. "She wants us to be together, remember?" I attempted to relax a little.

"Just let me say my peace, and you can go, okay?" I gave a quick nod. He let out an exasperated sigh. "You know, your vocal cords are muscles. If you don't use them, you might go completely mute." He was trying to lighten the mood with sarcastic humour. Unfortunately, I had lost the ability to find amusement in anything. I stared blankly at him. Blake's smile faded.

"Fine. Look, Aria, I have wanted nothing more than to marry you since I was 11 years old. But this," he gestured to the pair of us, "this is wrong. I love you, Aria, and I can't just sit here and watch you waste away. We have to fix this."

"There's nothing you can do," I said plainly.

"So what? You're just going to give up? When has that ever stopped you before?"

"No one's life was in danger before," I argued.

"Róisín's was."

"And now she's dead," I said, my voice devoid of emotion. Blake stared me down for a silent minute.

"Fine," he said at last, looking angry and defeated. "Clearly, you don't need to hear what I have to say. When your father asks, tell him I tried." With that, he retreated from the room and disappeared down the hallway, leaving me alone and confused.

What had he meant about talking to my father? I hadn't seen him since our heart-to-heart, and he had never taken an interest in me before. Why would he start now?

The next morning, I gazed out of my bedroom window, watching Pi'ilani and Nima run around the path, wishing I could do the same. Without me to interfere, Pi monopolized Nima's free time, toting her around like trophy that he could rub in everyone's faces. I never saw him without a smug look on his face. He made it clear that the expression was intended for me especially. What he didn't understand was that I didn't care, as long as Nima was safe.