geeettttttt dunked on!!!

wow ok this one is serious and angsty

[trigger warning: possibly eating disorder?]

now before you start reading this shit, you gotta know that i have a problem in my stomach, something didn't work since i was born so when i eat a lot, i easily get nauseous or stomachaches. read on.

for years i didn't know how people didn't eat. i had no idea how they could go through the day without skipping a meal or two. until i went to high school, where i started eating less and less just because i was busy talking with friends or homework. usually i would eat during the breaks, and then only in the seond break. usually it was because i was just having too much fun and forgot to eat.

then it turned to eating after school. i had breakfast, didn't eat until after school. it would be bread and a couple snacks, at like 16:00 because i would be out late about everyday. i stopped making lunch to take with me to school and occasionally buy something at school to eat. 

my friends started offering me their snacks, i took it. i swear, if it wasn't for KimHorsiesAndJalex sometimes, i dont think i would've made it through the day. after a while, i refused their snacks. it was THEIR food after all. (hey buddy, i know you're reading this because i tagged you, thanks for keeping me well fed. if it weren't for you i don't think i would've recovered as much as i have now. sorry i'm rude to you all the time(y'all might think that's just my self-image but no, ask this bitch, i really am rude to her sometimes))

then it got to the point where i didn't like eating in front of people. i still don't, tbh. i was/am afraid they would think that i eat too much, that i look unattractive because of eating, that i would get too much attention. so i stopped. i rarely go to family things anymore because i would have to eat so much(me and my family dont really get along too, they think i'm rude because i'm anti-social and i swear too much, i don't like kids, i want to do things on my own all the time, probably bc im trans, too. when in reality they never really tried making conversation with me so i'm not trying either.).

and yeah, at home i wouldn't eat a lot either. i haven't had a proper lunch in about... 1,5 years? seems about right. it started with being too lazy to get up from the couch, drag my eyes away from the pokemon movie that was playing and make myself some breakfast. that was before high school. i have to bike abt 9 km to school so if i dont have breakfast, i pass out on the way there lol. so yeah, nowadays i do have breakfast. i still don't do lunch. i eat dinner almost always because there's literally no escaping. (yeah, sometimes there is. but by the time that we have dinner i'm already hungry again. the times not? rarely, but i try to avoid having dinner then as much as i can.)

usually i have little breakfast. i eat my cereal dry bc fuck milk or yoghurt, or i have 1 slice of bread. i usually dont eat all that's on my plate with dinner, because see above. my entire family are big eaters, except me.

my sister started(maybe still does, idk) to think i had anorexia. now i know what anorexia is, don't get me wrong, and i know for a fact i dont have that. i still eat sometimes, and i dont puke. i cant puke, remember? i told her that that was bullshit but i did have the symptoms. "you are afraid of eating too much, you don't like eating in front of others, you dont have lunch, like, ever, you skip breakfast in the weekends too. isn;t that enough proof?"

and while im writing this, i'm on my way to france to have a vacation or however you say that, and i just realized:

im going to be on 24/7 watch when it comes to eating.

im honestly scared. i'm doing better, yeah, i havent cut in a while, i havent been that down lately, but eating is something that i never paid attention to ever since it started. and now that i do have to eat breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, everything that my mom makes or hands me, im afraid to gain so much weight. i weigh 42 kilograms or smth idk convert that to lbs i think its like 90 lbs or smth but yeah thats the most ive ever weighed and i dont really want to weigh a lot more than what i am now

im scared, what am i gonna do.... lol