geeettttttt dunked on!!!

um another angsty one mkay cool

i was talking to one of my friends earlier and she said, out of nowhere, "i'm fine." i was like, mkay cool i'm glad you're feeling fine because really i'm starting to lose my shit on them. next thing they typed was, "wow ur a horible friend because im actually cutting myself rightnow" literally i smacked my face against thefucking desk. do you expect me to smell your feelings through the fucking phone?

it got me thinking though, because i then asked, "why do you pretend to be happy when you're not?"
which led to asking myself the question, "am i happy?"

the answers were: yeah, i'm happy. i have good friends on the internet and in real life, who love me, and i love them. i laugh at jokes. i sometimes laugh over the smallest things until i cant breath(that really happened i laughed over snappez vous(snap means understand in dutch and my mom adjusted the vous in french to the word i couldn't stop laughing for no reason). i have a sister that loves me v much and i have fun with her a lot. i have parents who love me a lot even though they sometimes dont have time for me or we have a misunderstanding or maybe even a fight. but thats normal, everyine has that.

yeah, i'm happy. because i got to preform with two of my best friends this year while i played ukulele and sang and those are two of my favourite things to do because i master them. last year i got to preform a song with my sister and two of my other friends. i love art and i'm good at it. i love writing, and i think a lot of people like the things i write. sometimes i can listen to a song for 30 minutes and not get bored. sometimes one song can improve my mood entirely. sometimes i just HAVE to get up because the drop is too good.(they call me the tower of terror because they never know when im gonna drop it, huehue)

and still i sometimes think about death. i sometimes get episodes where i just feel sad all the time and i cant really help it. sometimes i listen to a song and my thoughts go so deep that i cant get out until i sleep it off. sometimes i can get really shitty to my friends  because i dont feel good and i dont want to talk to them about it, and they dont understand whats wrong with me. i can react really bad to them.

when i read a book which includes death/suicide, i can get really sad. i've lost someone i really loved to suicide and i've lost a couple family and friends because of sickness and stuff(i dont know the word for it rn) and yeah to think about that makes me really sad. sometimes i think about suicide, but i never really want to. i wouldnt want to leave my friends and family. i dont think i want to die, i just dont want to have those episodes anymore, because it really sucks :/

that comes along with period hormones and stuff + extreme gender dysphoria. ive been bullied when i was younger and i still get bullied sometimes but thats rarely(i hope its not gonna get worse when my sister graduates because she's the main reason they stopped).

and i really dont want to think about wanting to die, though it happens sometimes.

but besides that, i think i'm pretty happy.

especially right now, since i'll be going home soon and i'm going to see my cats again. :)