THE WRITER

VII: There Was Nothing Left

"And if you decide to leave, please don't take our memories with you. I'd love to remember even if it hurts."

-Fate, Allie Santos

Dream. Everything that happened is just a dream. I keep on telling myself that it isn't true. How can it be true? Something like this doesn't happen in real life. No one just materializes in front of you just because you write about them.

"Allie, where's the rest of your manuscript?" Katie says furiously as I stare at her absentmindedly. How am I supposed to write more if I know that one wrong scene I can ruin everything? Chances are, I can make him feel things he isn't supposed to feel. I can hurt him. Or worst, I can make him disappear.

"They're on their way." I assure her.

"Yes. And they will be in my email tonight."

"Wait, Katie..."

"I thought this is your dream, Allie?"

"It is."

"Then why does it feel like you don't want it anymore?"

"They'll be in your email tonight."

I said and then walked out. I walked to my apartment and chanced upon my sanctuary. It's empty, as it has always been for these past two weeks. For a while, I stand and look at it as if it's my first time seeing it. The cold green grass that served as my spa when I'm having a bad day seemed empty. Uncomforting. The lake before it that once held the world's most beautiful sunrise and sunset seemed mediocre without him.

But then I still need to finish whatever I started. I have to. I need to. I sat on my usual spot and took out my pen. And then, he's there, smiling as if nothing happened. And so, I write.

~~~

One of my favorite books is The Little Prince. Every time I write, I hope that I will be able to write something as beautiful as that. But I am not a pilot. And my chances of flying a plane and meeting a prince in a desert is not likely to happen. But still, there's something about how the author writes, no matter what he says it felt important. Whatever words he used, it feels sad.

When I met Aiden, I could've associated him as my little prince. Only the little prince in the book knows how to feel sadness. Aiden is different. He doesn't know anything. The only thing he should feel is happiness. Happiness without hope. Happiness without love. Just pure, innocent happiness out of helping someone. As if that's possible.

But then I thought he must have been a mixture of the prince's rose and the fox he met. I can think of a hundred and one ways to protect him from feelings but then in the end, I shouldn't let him wait. In the end I'll have to leave. In the end I have to let go. Because after all, just like what the prince said, I am still too young, too inexperienced, to love him.

"Whenever I'm sad I've always wanted to see the sunset." I say, and he just stands there a few feet away. We maintained that distance for a long time because I'm afraid that if I let him near me, he will be gone. And I don't want that to happen. "I find comfort in seeing the sunset. Somehow for me, it might mean that when I wait a little longer the sun will rise again and maybe when that time comes, the sadness I'm feeling might become a little less."