The Wanderer (bethyl)

Chapter Two

Chapter Two

In a tangle of sweaty bedsheets, with the sun burning her eyes through the window, Beth woke up the next day from her catatonic state. She still didn't move around much. She didn't eat or sleep. She just stared at the wall for hours, hugging her pillow, barely acknowledging anyone else's presence as they entered. The one thing that kept running through her mind was that her mother and brother were gone for good. She had been skeptical about her father's assertions that they were sick and doctors would be able to distribute a cure and help would come any day now. But she never wanted to accept that they were dead. And that was it. Reality came crashing down on her. There was no cure. They were gone and not coming back. The whole world was coming to an end. There was no hope for better days ahead, no civilization, just snarling monsters out to get her.

What was the point anymore?

Lori quietly entered the room and offered her a tray of food. Beth gave no response and she sighed and left unceremoniously, setting the tray on the nightstand. Suddenly a lightbulb went off in the back of Beth's mind. She rolled over and examined the tray. The food held no appeal to her, and she had barely touched her breakfast... But there was a steak knife. She pulled it out of the rolled-up napkin and held it up to the light, watching the sharp edge glint in the sun. She dropped it down to her thin wrist, cocking it back and holding the blade against her skin. She ran it along very lightly, willing herself to end it quickly. But it wasn't the right moment. She hid the knife under her pillow for later while she closed her eyes and resumed her anguished circular thoughts.

After about an hour, Lori came back to check up on her and pick up the tray. Assuming Beth was sleeping, she gave a small sigh at the cold, untouched lunch, pulled the quilt up to Beth's chin, and carried the tray back out of the room. But after a few minutes, she returned, realizing that something was wrong.

"Where is it?" she asked sharply.

Beth opened her bleary eyes, but said nothing and didn't look at Lori.

"I'm not playing around, Beth. Give me the knife."

She reached under her pillow and slid the knife on the bed closer to Lori, who quickly snatched it away. Beth wasn't phased. There were other ways. She could bide her time if she needed to.

Soon afterward, Maggie stormed into the room and slammed the door. Beth turned her head to look at her sister, whose face was lit up with fury.

"What the hell were you thinking, Beth?"

The blond girl sighed and propped herself up on her elbows. "I was thinking, what's the point?"

Maggie clenched her teeth and paced back and forth across the rug. "What's the point? What's the point in living? The point is that you can't just cop out on us once things get a little tough. That's so selfish of you."

A sudden rush of anger came over Beth. "Wake up, Maggie! Look outside! Mom's dead! Shawn is dead! They're not coming back -ever! We were so stupid to believe Dad, to think that this whole mess was temporary. Everyone around us, everyone we knew, is dying. The world is ending. You think that we just wait it out and the government is going to come in soon, and- sweep up the mess and it's all gonna go back to normal?" She drew in a shaky breath. "It's only a matter of time before we die too."

For a moment, Beth saw pain in her sister's eyes, but then her face grew hard and she didn't react. "That's not true. We're safe here, you know that."

"Really? You think? Maggie, those things... they're growing in numbers. What happens when we run out of food? What happens if we have to leave? What happens if some of them come on the farm when we're caught off guard or we just can't fight them off? What happens if bad people find us and want to take the farm for themselves? Sooner or later, we're going to die, whether it's by starvation or being ripped apart or... any number of things."

Maggie shook her head stubbornly. "You can't think that way. You can't just give up."

Tears fell from Beth's wide eyes. "Why not? What is left in this world anymore?"

"Me, and Daddy, and Jimmy, and Patricia, and... and that group from Atlanta.... We care about you. We all do. You know that Daddy would fall apart without you."

"It's not enough, Maggie. I don't want to be eaten alive. I don't want to see them- you - killed. I don't want to have to live in constant fear and anguish. I would rather end it now, peacefully, in this bed, than torn apart by those drooling freaks." She paused. "And... I want you to do it with me."

"What?" Maggie screeched, hands curling into nervous fists. "You're out of your mind!"

"We can do it together. That way it will be easier. And it will all be over. And we'll be with Mom and Shawn and we won't have to hurt anymore." Beth's hands trembled as she stared desperately into Maggie's eyes, needing her to understand. "Please."

Maggie was silent for a few long moments, lips pursed in tense thought. Then she stood up. "Fuck you, Beth. You just do whatever you want."

Beth flinched. It was one of the only times she had heard her sister curse, and it hurt. She watched Maggie leave, wanting to grab her arm and apologize and plead for her forgiveness and beg her to stay. But she didn't, and she felt more alone than ever.

That night, Andrea was supposed to be watching her, but she merely gave Beth a not-so-reassuring talk that she knew how Beth felt, and that the pain wouldn't go away, and she was giving her a choice. Then she left. Beth didn't know what she was expecting, but she was surprised by that. Nobody had really given her a choice in the matter. She didn't exactly feel better, but she had to appreciate that much.

Everyone had gone to bed, and Beth tiptoed out of her room, down the hallway, careful to avoid the creaky floorboards and Andrea, asleep in a recliner in the living room. She had snuck out of the house a few times before, going to silly high school parties when life was still normal, so she knew the routine. Her father kept the gun cabinet locked, but she had seen him tuck the key away in a small box in the living room before. She retrieved it, carefully opened the cabinet, and pulled out a small pistol. It felt foreign in her hand, but she stuffed it in the pocket of her hoodie and left.

Glenn was sitting on top of the RV, looking over the horizon for any roaming walkers. She was careful to avoid his line of sight. Everyone else seemed to be settled down for the night. The moon was high in the sky, and Beth's senses all seemed heightened. She could smell the dew on the grass, and heard an owl in the distance. She felt a cold sweat on her skin and watched the dirt crunch under her feet. She wanted to take it all in, since they were the last things she would ever see.

The plan was to do it on the outskirts of the farm, hopefully far enough that it didn't attract too much noise and draw walkers toward her family. She kept walking, quickly and silently, her fingers clutching the gun in her pocket. She was starting to have her doubts about if she could do it.

One bullet. That's all it takes, and then everything is over.

She couldn't help but picture her father's face when he would find out that she was dead. She felt a pang of guilt in her chest and sniffled a bit. Why couldn't any of them understand that it was the only choice? What were they holding onto?

Please forgive me.

"Where are you goin' in such a hurry?"