The Dome (Part 1 of the KaiSoo Fanfic Series)

Chapter XII

For the first time in his life, Jongin's mind is blank. No words are twirling around in his head and there's nothing he can think to say that would truly express the way he's feeling. He feels like he's in one of his dreams. Everything is right there, laid out in front of him for him to grab. But as soon as he reaches out his hand, everything slips away from his grasp and he can no longer see it. He knows he has so much to say and so much explaining to do, but there are just no words for him to use.

He scratches his head and groans loudly in frustration. It does it in every other situation and even in situations where it could put his life in great danger, but the one time he actually needs his brain to think it doesn't want to. He lets out a heavy sigh and his hands fall on top of the desk, emitting a clanking sound when the pen collides with the polished metal. The distressed trainee stares down at the notebook with his eyebrows creased, lips pursed, and pupils darting to and fro in search of an answer. 

"What do I do?" he asks it as if he's expecting it to respond. He sighs and flips backward through its pages. "What did you do when you felt like this?" He huffs and stops the movement of his hand. "You did feel like this, right? Confused, hopeless. Like there's so much for you to do, but you can't move from where you are. You are my father, aren't you? You must have felt like this at some point. There has to be more of a connection between us besides genetics." Jongin's jaw clenches and he swallows the lump in his throat. "Who am I kidding?" he says. "You couldn't help me even if you wanted to. You may be my father, but I don't know you at all." He lets go off another sigh and flips back to the blank page, lifting up the pen and pressing it to the page again. He decides that this is something that has to be done with or without the functioning of his brain. And because he now realizes it'll have to be without that, he can only turn to the other part of his body that he knows he can always depend on, his heart. He exhales deeply and then begins writing. 

Asher, it's hard for me to say this to you because I know how much you depend on me for safety. You know how I always used to say to you that we have play along with this game until something changes, right? Well, I think that something is coming, but I don't think it will be in the most graceful of ways. I guess what I'm trying to say to you here is that while we may live in a place surrounded by and built off of lies, the one truth I know, the one thing I can guarantee is real is that you are my little brother and you are the most important person in the world to me. I might be leaving for a while, a long while, but I promise you that I will come back for you. I've got you and you've got me, remember? 

He wonders if he should write more, but he doesn't. Before he closes the pen, he signs his name at the end. 

Hyung

Sighing and blinking away incoming tears in his eyes, Jongin clicks the pen shut and closes the notebook. He stands up from the chair and opens the closet door, pulling out his box of forbidden books. He lays the notebook right on top of the book on emotions, staring at it for a moment before placing it back in the closet and shutting the door. He then looks around his sleeping quarters once more, observing how perfectly made the bed is. He's never noticed it before, but everything about the room seems perfect, too perfect to be believable. A perfect room in a perfect place, there's no such thing as that, he thinks. The only definition of perfect he's known is the one the Government says is true, but he knows now that it's a lie. He knows now that perfection is nothing but a lie, the world's biggest scam. He leaves his sleeping quarters and is greeted by Asher as he comes out of his room. 

"Good morning," he says and smiles as he bows. Jongin finds it to be a strange sight, his little brother who only a month ago was almost sent away to reform education for improper speech, acting and speaking so formally to him. He finds it strange and concerning.