"Stop."
"No! You HURT me!"
"You're hurting yourself."
"HOW? I loved you, and you never even noticed that! I try to do things for you-- WITH you-- AND YOU NEVER GAVE ME A CHANCE!"
That last punch hit hard. I..can't breathe.
My breasts hurt. My entire upper body hurts.
"Stop.."
"SHUT UP!"
She punched me again. Now, I can't move. I feel like I'm falling..and I've already landed on the cold hardwood floor.
I shut up.
There's a lot of blood, pouring from my mouth.
Its everywhere. Why am I more concerned about my blood staining her fists, than her killing me?
We always do this.
"WHEN WILL YOU NOTICE ME?" She roars.
I want to look up at her. I'm afraid she'll punch me in my face, so I don't.
She punches me anyway.
"Fucking LOOK at me!"
My eyesight is blurry, but I can make out her beautiful dark face just fine.
I cough up more blood, and gasp for air.
I really can't breathe.
There's no use of me screaming for help, or running away.
She's my lover.
And things like this happen often.
I'm sure I'll live through it.
She places her face between my neck and my shoulder, biting down.
I feel my lungs fill with air, only slightly.
Its painful. It really is.
Slipping a hand up my bra, she rubs my left breast. It feels nice, but..why so soon after almost beating me to death?
I close my eyes and stay quiet. She plays with me for a while.
I know she's still furious. I can sense it.
She's my lover.
"I hate you."
"I wish you would just..die already."
Hearing her say these things made me cry.
Tears streamed down my bruised cheeks, mixing with the blood on my chin and neck.
"But if you die, I'd never be able to forgive myself."
"I have so many mixed feelings about you."
I cried harder. I slowly and painfully turned my head, so she wouldn't see me.
"Polaris."
I turn my head. The sound of my own name coming out of her mouth makes me nervous.
"I just..want you to love me.."
She has so much to learn about love.
I try best to answer, but I can barely move my mouth. I sound like I can't speak.
"I..alr..eady..do.."
"Then why don't you show that?"
I can't answer. If I answer this, she'll hate me more.
She'll hate herself.
I can't..
"Why? TELL me!"
"I'm..so sc ared..of ..."
I can't even finish my sentence. A waterfall is pouring down my face, and my eyes burn like fire.
By the look of hers, it seems she already knows the last word I couldn't say.
This has got to be the first time she's ever frowned.
I don't like it.
Smile.
Smile.
Smile.
"What did I do wrong..I-I-mm so sorry.."
Smile.
Smile.
Smile.
"I'm not right in the head..I'm not good..you shouldn't be around me.."
I want her to smile.
I need her to smile.
Smile again.
Like you always do.
Smile.
And smile.
And smile.
And kill me again.
And smile.
Smile wider.
"Maybe.."
And wider.
"I should..kill myself.."
Wider.
"Maybe I should kill you..myself.."
And wider.
And you did.
You smiled as wide as you always have.
Now you can cherish this ritual with glee.
And she did.
She smiled as wide and she always had.
Now she can cherish this ritual with glee.
Smile.
Smile.
I want you to kill me again.
