Sing Me To Sleep

Chapter 11

I have the sudden urge to turn away from the seemingly nice woman and run away. I'm not sure where I would go, and I would undoubtedly be slowed down by the various prodding needles and IV pole, but I just want to leave. I want to leave the smell of too harsh cleaning supplies and the suffocating dull white walls and just run. I want to go back to my head. I want to go back to the skeleton boy. 

But I can't move. My legs feel almost numb beneath me, barely even holding up my own weight. The nurse's hand tightens on my shoulder, almost painfully squeezing. I wince, but she simply cocks her head to one side, the smile never leaving her soft features. "What's wrong, Frank?" She asks, concern lacing her voice, though it looks almost like amusement in her clear blue eyes.

I swallow hard, my mouth suddenly feeling very dry as my stomach seems to drop, churning and making me feel nauseous. My head is throbbing, making me feel dizzy, as blue dots dance across my vision. I wipe the back of my hand roughly across my eyes, wanting the little bursts of color go away. When I pull it away, I see a moist streak across my pale skin. Shit, now I'm crying. That's great. 

The nurse lowers her head a little to get a better glimpse at me though I avoid her gaze. I don't want this complete stranger to see my crying. I don't know if I can deal with that. I just want to be alone. I want to be back inside my own thoughts, lost again in the darkness, surrounded by the angel's voice. "Frank, are you alright? Does something hurt?"

I shake my head, short twitchy movements. My eyes search the vacant hall absently. I take in the sight of the abandoned gurneys, the smooth walls that seem too white. It makes me want to scream. 

"Do you want me to get you some morphine?" The nurse continues curiously. "Maybe I can get enough in you to finish the job this time. Since you failed with your own attempt."

My eyes immediately flash to the nurse's, going wide. My heart nearly stops with her words and panic flashes through me. Did she just offer to give me an overdose?

I shake my head once and, though my breathing quickens, force myself to calm down. She simply smiles easily. No way. I must have misheard her. No way did she just offer to kill me. Though my heartbeat seems to accelerate, my mind grasps the thought and refuses to let go. I think of how easy it would be to just have a few doses injected into my already dripping IV bag. Enough to kill me quickly, painlessly, while I slept. That's what I wanted. I wanted to die. And this could be my way out. But she couldn't do that for me. She was a nurse, not an executioner. She would lose her job, maybe even go to jail. She wouldn't offer that. I simply misheard her...

I swallow again, forcing my words past the lump in my throat. "Is my mom here?" I wonder. If they were waking me up from my coma, of course my mom would be here when I woke up, right? She wouldn't just leave me here alone. She would want to be there for me when I finally came to. 

The nurse laughs lightly once, her pleasant smile quickly becoming terrifying. "Oh no. She hasn't come to see you. Not even once."

I don't want to believe her. I know my own mother; She wouldn't just leave me here alone, no matter how much she hated me, and I know she did. She blamed me for my father's death, for his alcoholism before that. In her eyes, I was the only one at fault. Even with the abuse and the depression he had caused, she loved him more than she could ever love me. But I was all she had left; I had tried, and failed, to take my own life. She would want to be there for me because I was all she had. 

But the look on the nurse's face tells me that she is telling the truth. My mother isn't here. I am completely alone. The sudden emptiness seems overwhelming and I stumble forward, the IV pole I grasp like a lifeline and the nurse's solid grip on my shoulder being the only things that keep me standing. The hollow feeling that swells within me seems to swallow me whole, leaving me with nothing. The skeleton boy is gone, the memories that I fought so hard to hide and the darkness that felt so completely encompassing, were all gone. I was alone.

The nurse laughs again, pulling my dismal attention back to her. "You didn't think they actually cared enough to come see you, did you?" Her words hit me like a wave, engulfing me and dragging me further into the emptiness that already was building inside of me. She leans closer, her lips near my ear. I want so badly to pull away, but I suddenly feel too weak. It takes everything I have to remain standing. "If you hadn't tried to kill yourself," She whispers, her breath hitting my ear in warm shock. "They would all gladly do it for you." Another shrill laugh. She's fucking enjoying this... I'm falling apart in front of her, and she's grinning from ear to ear. It makes me feel sick, my stomach clenching in knots and my skull throbs in pain, my breathing now shallow and strained. "Imagine if your father could see you now." 

"Stop," I beg. I want it all to end. The feeling I had been trying to hide comes rushing back and, again, I want nothing more than to just die. I want everything to go away. I want the emptiness and the misery to just disappear. I want to fall to the cold tile ground and watch as it all faded into darkness, this time with no more feeling at all.

"Frankie?" I hear the soft voice rather loudly through the pounding in my ears. My eyes are shut tightly, not wanting to see the sadistic nurse anymore, but I force them open, needing to see where the voice is coming from. 

When I finally peel my lids up, glancing around me, the nurse is gone. The lights above my head flicker ominously, illuminating the walls with an eerie white glow. There's no one around.

"Frank, I know..." The voice sounds again and I whip my head around, panicked. What the hell is going on? Am I hearing things now? An after effect of the medication, maybe? I have no idea. "I know you probably can't hear me, but I need you to know that I'm here for you."

A terrified feeling washes over me, the words not seeming to calm me. I can barely focus on them, really. I'm instead trying to figure out where they're coming from. They seem far off, like a distant beckoning, calling me forward. I feel drawn, but I don't know where to. My chest hurts, longing to see the face to which the voice belongs to. I bite my lip, my eyes grazing over the hallway before landing on the door I had previously come through. There.

I don't know how I know, but I do. I need to go back in there, back into the desolate hospital room. I throw the door open, rushing over the threshold, expecting to see a vacant hospital bed and, hopefully, the boy who has been speaking to me. But instead, I see nothing. A vast blackness spreads out before me, one single overhead light boring down onto me. Nothing else. Just simple darkness. Just me and the voice. "I am here for you." This time the voice is choked by tears. "But I need you to wake up. I don't know if I can do it without you."

I freeze, my body tensing and becoming completely still. What? 

My head begins spinning, everything around me becoming a mass of dizzy thoughts. It's all going through my mind so fast, I can't seem to focus on just one thing. My legs seem to give out beneath me, their stability collapsing and letting my numb body tumble to the ground. 

I need you to wake up...

Wake up...

And then the blackness overtakes me completely, forcing me once again into unconsciousness.